well today we got results back from the hospital. my blood clotting ones were fine and jasons chromosomes were fine too. we are still waiting on my chromosome ones. doctor said they could take another 2 weeks or so and they will send me a letter out so probably be 3 weeks before i hear from them. doctor wasnt very helpful i asked what would happen next and she said she doesnt know what my consultant will be doing. yeah thanks for that sick of being palmed off by them all i want is to be able to move forward find out a careplan for when i next pg and have the reassurance i need that they will be looking after me especially more so since we have no answers as to why we have lost 3 beautiful angels.
on a positive note i got a positive opk yesterday so means i am ovulating finally. hoping its first month lucky for us would love to have an april baby even more so as i know jessica will be watching over us and making april a lucky month for us as well as a sad one. though if i am pg i would be due around her birthday so hopefully the midwifes would be sympathetic enough to induce me before then as i really dont want to give birth on jessicas birthday and take away her day.
so now begins the 2ww. hoping august is a lucky month for me as its my birthday month.my mum is taking me and the girls on a camping holiday as a birthday treat so be nice to be able to relax spend a bit of time with my mum and my daughters and get some fresh air.
decided that i shall be taking a break away from facebook and ivillage once i get back from camping well at least until sept has been and gone. probably still use the ttc boards and the llnd/rcm boards but that will be it.
feel so deflated at the minute i really dont know what to think about the results. its good they havent found anything yet but then we are no closer to getting reasons and there has to be an answer as to why we have lost 3 babies in a row there HAS to be right?! it can't just be one of those things maybe losing my first yes my second maybe was more bad luck but to lose jessica and so late on its not bad luck something must of gone wrong for me to lose a perfectly healthy baby.
just wish i could stop feeling like this. next month i would have been getting excited waiting for the birth my my 3rd much wanted daughter and i have nothing. just the hope that one day i will be a mother again to a healthy baby. i shouldnt have to be a mummy to 3 little angels they should be here with me. its so unfair.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Mummys sad :(
well today has been a year since my 2nd angel had to go. mummy is so miserable and has spent most of the day in bed. i was meant to go out tonight but mummy feels too rotten and couldnt afford it so that has added to my horrible mood. am fed up of waiting for ov too i hate having long cycles and think i might speak to my consultant about it as it really gets me down just want to be normal and have a decent cycle length like everyone else :(
i miss my angels so much and its so unfair i have to go through all this pain when others just sail through their pregnancies. yet more announcements have been made and i'm seriously contemplating taking a break away from the internet as i know there is more to come and its going to get harder and harder for me and i can't bear it.
all i want is to be happy again and my stupid body just wont give me that happiness!
i miss my angels so much and its so unfair i have to go through all this pain when others just sail through their pregnancies. yet more announcements have been made and i'm seriously contemplating taking a break away from the internet as i know there is more to come and its going to get harder and harder for me and i can't bear it.
all i want is to be happy again and my stupid body just wont give me that happiness!
Friday, 24 July 2009
some good news!
i really must remember to write in here more often but like i said in my previous post i try to stay away from the internet as much as possible these days though am going to be around more.
so our good news! we are offically ttc again! i knew jason was a bit wary but when af turned up and he saw how upset i was he agreed to try again. so hopefully this time round all will go well as i will be under consultant care and hopefully get treatment to ensure our next baby sticks. all i want is another healthy baby to complete our family and i really hope that dream does come true. so hopefully i'll be online more to update on here of how things are going.
so i'm currently on cd14 one week to go til i ovulate and just over a week til my next consultants appointment where hopefully i will get my results back from the blood clotting tests.
our wedding plans are coming on brilliantly and i am sooo looking forward to becoming mrs beard though its going to sound so strange having my last name as beard!
have found my dress and the girls flowergirls dresses and be booking the hotel on the 3rd then the registrars and the reception venue at the end of oct so lots of planning for me to do. its all exciting.
missing jessica so much though its getting so much harder as her due date creeps up and there being so many pregnancy announcements and i know theres even more to come :( i wish she had held on til she was 24 weeks maybe there could of been something that could of been done to save her. i just cant believe that she was perfect and yet we lost her it doesnt make sense. how can a healthy babys heart suddenly stop beating its not fair.
to jessica mummy loves you so much princess and i hope you know that we arent ttc to replace you you are irreplaceable and will always have a special place in mummys heart. mummy just wants to be able to smile again and have the same happiness back i had when pg with you. i'll never ever forget you and though mummy doesnt cry for you as much it doesnt meant to say i dont think about you because i do your always there in my mind mummy doesnt want to cry anymore or be sad especially because your sisters see the sadness and tears in my eyes and it makes them worry. i miss you and i love you so so very much. wish you were still in my tummy! x
so our good news! we are offically ttc again! i knew jason was a bit wary but when af turned up and he saw how upset i was he agreed to try again. so hopefully this time round all will go well as i will be under consultant care and hopefully get treatment to ensure our next baby sticks. all i want is another healthy baby to complete our family and i really hope that dream does come true. so hopefully i'll be online more to update on here of how things are going.
so i'm currently on cd14 one week to go til i ovulate and just over a week til my next consultants appointment where hopefully i will get my results back from the blood clotting tests.
our wedding plans are coming on brilliantly and i am sooo looking forward to becoming mrs beard though its going to sound so strange having my last name as beard!
have found my dress and the girls flowergirls dresses and be booking the hotel on the 3rd then the registrars and the reception venue at the end of oct so lots of planning for me to do. its all exciting.
missing jessica so much though its getting so much harder as her due date creeps up and there being so many pregnancy announcements and i know theres even more to come :( i wish she had held on til she was 24 weeks maybe there could of been something that could of been done to save her. i just cant believe that she was perfect and yet we lost her it doesnt make sense. how can a healthy babys heart suddenly stop beating its not fair.
to jessica mummy loves you so much princess and i hope you know that we arent ttc to replace you you are irreplaceable and will always have a special place in mummys heart. mummy just wants to be able to smile again and have the same happiness back i had when pg with you. i'll never ever forget you and though mummy doesnt cry for you as much it doesnt meant to say i dont think about you because i do your always there in my mind mummy doesnt want to cry anymore or be sad especially because your sisters see the sadness and tears in my eyes and it makes them worry. i miss you and i love you so so very much. wish you were still in my tummy! x
Thursday, 2 July 2009
not written here in a while been trying to stay away from the internet as much as possible as it just hurts so much seeing my friends so happy and talking about their pregnancies when i no longer have jessica.
so a lot has happened since i last wrote a message.
we finally got jessicas results back and my princess was perfect in everyway! i'm not sure if they have got the genetic tests back yet but from the postmortem there was nothing wrong with her so god knows why the scan picked up problems! its confused the hell out of me thats for sure.
we have also started recurrent misscarriage tests and was hoping after these we can ttc again. we go back in 4 weeks and hopefully get those results. though jason was told his might take 2-3 months something which i couldnt bear. i was really hoping to start trying again before jessicas due date as i know getting through my 2 other angels due dates were helped by being pg with jessica and i know its going to be so painful if it comes to the 13th of sept and all i have is emtpy arms and a broken heart.
jason can't seem to see this and as a result i refuse to talk to him anymore. he doesnt understand how much i'm hurting inside i may not show it on the outside all the time but inside i am a broken woman. having my 2 gorgeous girls are the only things keeping me going. but they cant heal the broken heart and the emptiness now in my heart. both of them are so grown up now hollie turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and is no longer my toddler and charlotte seems to be getting bigger by the day and no longer my baby :( i yearn to be a mother again and hold a newborn in my arms another precious child to call my own and i don't have that!
i dont know if i can wait another 2-3 months my heart yearns for another baby so much and i get so frustrated that i can't do anything about it. i just wish jason could see the pain in my eyes!
on a positive note though me and jason have set a date to get married on halloween 2010. i wanted it this year but my plans were thwarted when jason pointed out it was too short notice for his family. it broke my heart a little as i thought it would be nice to do it this year again to give me something positive to focus on after whats going to be a hard month in sept.
story of my life i guess nothing ever goes how i want it to. theres always something that comes along to spoil things. so now we are waiting just over a year to get married instead.
oh i dont know i'm close to tears now i just wish things were different. i wish jason was more supportive and loving when i am down but instead he acts like he doesnt notice mainly because hes too busy on his xbox to think about me. though the other day a friend upset me when i was talking about trying again and he saw tears down my face and asked what was wrong but like i said earlier i just cant talk to him no more as he doesnt understand the pain i feel of losing jessica and now i'm having to wait to try again.
i don't want to be sad anymore i just want to be happy again and jason holds the key to my happiness hes just not willing to share that key with me and open up my happiness once again.
to jessica my angel! mummy misses you each and everyday!! every night i look into the sky and find the brightest star and know its you looking down on me. i can't understand why you left us when you were perfect and wish you were here and making mummy happy you belong with mummy not with the other angels. you were meant to be and you are not here. you made mummy feel whole again and now i feel lost! why princess did you have to go when mummy loved you so much. i miss your kicks and miss you giving me horrid morning sickness. i would go through all that again in a heartbeat if it meant having you back. i would do anything to get you back but i never will and it makes mummy sad.
will try and write more in here when i can. x
so a lot has happened since i last wrote a message.
we finally got jessicas results back and my princess was perfect in everyway! i'm not sure if they have got the genetic tests back yet but from the postmortem there was nothing wrong with her so god knows why the scan picked up problems! its confused the hell out of me thats for sure.
we have also started recurrent misscarriage tests and was hoping after these we can ttc again. we go back in 4 weeks and hopefully get those results. though jason was told his might take 2-3 months something which i couldnt bear. i was really hoping to start trying again before jessicas due date as i know getting through my 2 other angels due dates were helped by being pg with jessica and i know its going to be so painful if it comes to the 13th of sept and all i have is emtpy arms and a broken heart.
jason can't seem to see this and as a result i refuse to talk to him anymore. he doesnt understand how much i'm hurting inside i may not show it on the outside all the time but inside i am a broken woman. having my 2 gorgeous girls are the only things keeping me going. but they cant heal the broken heart and the emptiness now in my heart. both of them are so grown up now hollie turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and is no longer my toddler and charlotte seems to be getting bigger by the day and no longer my baby :( i yearn to be a mother again and hold a newborn in my arms another precious child to call my own and i don't have that!
i dont know if i can wait another 2-3 months my heart yearns for another baby so much and i get so frustrated that i can't do anything about it. i just wish jason could see the pain in my eyes!
on a positive note though me and jason have set a date to get married on halloween 2010. i wanted it this year but my plans were thwarted when jason pointed out it was too short notice for his family. it broke my heart a little as i thought it would be nice to do it this year again to give me something positive to focus on after whats going to be a hard month in sept.
story of my life i guess nothing ever goes how i want it to. theres always something that comes along to spoil things. so now we are waiting just over a year to get married instead.
oh i dont know i'm close to tears now i just wish things were different. i wish jason was more supportive and loving when i am down but instead he acts like he doesnt notice mainly because hes too busy on his xbox to think about me. though the other day a friend upset me when i was talking about trying again and he saw tears down my face and asked what was wrong but like i said earlier i just cant talk to him no more as he doesnt understand the pain i feel of losing jessica and now i'm having to wait to try again.
i don't want to be sad anymore i just want to be happy again and jason holds the key to my happiness hes just not willing to share that key with me and open up my happiness once again.
to jessica my angel! mummy misses you each and everyday!! every night i look into the sky and find the brightest star and know its you looking down on me. i can't understand why you left us when you were perfect and wish you were here and making mummy happy you belong with mummy not with the other angels. you were meant to be and you are not here. you made mummy feel whole again and now i feel lost! why princess did you have to go when mummy loved you so much. i miss your kicks and miss you giving me horrid morning sickness. i would go through all that again in a heartbeat if it meant having you back. i would do anything to get you back but i never will and it makes mummy sad.
will try and write more in here when i can. x
Thursday, 21 May 2009
more heartbreak!
its been 4 weeks since i lost jessica and i havent been sleeping to well since i lost her and was hoping that once i got her results i could put closure on this and try and pick up the broken pieces of my life.
well i thought i would ring my consultant just to see if they were any closer to getting jessicas results. spoke to her secretary and she said that my consultant has looked at my notes and will be sending an appointment out but they dont see you until 6-8 weeks after the event (how nice to put it jessica was just an "event") so thought fair enough was worth a try.
she then proceeded to tell me that the postmortem results may take up to 4-6 months to come through depending on what they find! i was told in the hospital it would only take 6-8 weeks no one mentioned it might take longer! and as her postmortem was done quite quickly (her body was released just over a week after i had her) i thought they probably would have found something.
so now my heart is breaking all over again just as i was starting to feel a bit better i'm back to square one.i really dont think i can handle waiting that long. im a complete mess already god know how i'm going to be in a few months time if they dont come through.
on top of that i know that jason wont agree to ttc til we get the postmortem results and that too is breaking my heart. i was really hoping we could start ttc this year preferably before jessicas due date so i had something positive to focus on and now all that hope has gone. i really cant bear to wait 4-6 months to start trying again its too long.
i'm worried i'll start resenting df as right now hes the only person who can help ease that pain a bit by agreeing to ttc and i know if i have to wait that long i dont think our relationship will cope as i will push him away and hate him for not letting me have that bit of happiness that can help heal the pain in my heart.
oh its all such a big mess! why did she have to go and leave me so unhappy. i just want that happiness back and i'm not going to get it any time soon.
well i thought i would ring my consultant just to see if they were any closer to getting jessicas results. spoke to her secretary and she said that my consultant has looked at my notes and will be sending an appointment out but they dont see you until 6-8 weeks after the event (how nice to put it jessica was just an "event") so thought fair enough was worth a try.
she then proceeded to tell me that the postmortem results may take up to 4-6 months to come through depending on what they find! i was told in the hospital it would only take 6-8 weeks no one mentioned it might take longer! and as her postmortem was done quite quickly (her body was released just over a week after i had her) i thought they probably would have found something.
so now my heart is breaking all over again just as i was starting to feel a bit better i'm back to square one.i really dont think i can handle waiting that long. im a complete mess already god know how i'm going to be in a few months time if they dont come through.
on top of that i know that jason wont agree to ttc til we get the postmortem results and that too is breaking my heart. i was really hoping we could start ttc this year preferably before jessicas due date so i had something positive to focus on and now all that hope has gone. i really cant bear to wait 4-6 months to start trying again its too long.
i'm worried i'll start resenting df as right now hes the only person who can help ease that pain a bit by agreeing to ttc and i know if i have to wait that long i dont think our relationship will cope as i will push him away and hate him for not letting me have that bit of happiness that can help heal the pain in my heart.
oh its all such a big mess! why did she have to go and leave me so unhappy. i just want that happiness back and i'm not going to get it any time soon.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
can't sleep
i cant sleep yet again i thought i was doing really well but all this waiting is tearing me up inside.
jessica why did you have to leave me mummy really misses you and my heart is broken into pieces mummy cant stop crying. she really wanted a hug off daddy but he was asleep and he didnt even wake hearing me cry so i've come downstairs to write here in the hope i might feel a bit better.
we were so happy when we knew you were in my tummy. the best day of my life was when you was kicking like crazy in my stomach and i was stood watching my belly move with you. it was magical and amazing and i want that back i want you back and i cant and its killing me and i don't know if i ever will get that back either. i know daddy was talking to pops on the phone the other day and i'm sure he asked daddy if we were going to try again and he said maybe in a year or two. i dont think i can wait that long. mummy misses you so much and wants you back to mend the hole in my heart but i know thats never going to happen. wanting another baby isn't to replace you princess but to bring some of that happiness i felt when carrying you in my tummy. another baby wont fill that gap in my heart it wont ever get fixed but it will help heal it over time. i wish your daddy could understand how much i'm hurting and how much i wanted to be a mummy again and now i dont think i will get to hold the much wanted baby in my arms again.
mummy was looking forward to your sisters having a new playmate and imagined how much fun we would all have all us girls playing together and when you all were older doing girly things like shopping and watching girly films and you arent going to be a part of that anymore. those dreams have been shattered.
i cant bear to talk to ashley anymore because each time i do she mentions something about her baby and it brings it back to me that your not here that it should be me saying those things too and i'm not. instead i just get upset and jealous. i dont want to push her away and lose her friendship as she means so much to me shes the bestest friend mummy has ever had but i cant bear to see her happy when i'm so sad and miserable.
i wish i knew why i have had so much heartache over this past year i must of done something really bad in a former life to have this. i feel like its my own fault. ever since me and daddy split up last year its been bad news after bad news more heartache on top of heartache. jessica you were the one to make all that go away and not add to it. i feel like karma is playing a cruel trick on me for hurting your daddy so much. i didnt mean to hurt him back then mummy was so fed up and miserable it was the only way to make him see how much he was hurting me.
now i feel like we will end up splitting again. he wont open up to me about how hes feeling and shuts me out i know thats his way of coping but it just means we grieve separately when we should grieve together and i feel like we are getting further and further apart. i feel i cant say how i'm feeling and when i want to daddy is asleep. i cant help it if the only time i cry and get upset is when i'm laid in bed and my thoughts are the only thing keeping me company. he doesnt understand how i feel about wanting another baby and i'm scared that will bring a wedge between us too. all i want is to be happy! to have the family i always wanted and to be a mummy again to another precious child. i never dreamed that i would have 3 of those babies in heaven.
mummy cant wait til the day she meets you all again and sees your beautiful blue eyes. i fall in love with you the moment i saw you you were beautiful and so perfect and i wish we had more time together.mummy didnt want to let you go.
i love you jessica so so much and i miss you more everyday. i hope your having fun up there with your brother and sister and all the other angels.
play happily my princess. x
jessica why did you have to leave me mummy really misses you and my heart is broken into pieces mummy cant stop crying. she really wanted a hug off daddy but he was asleep and he didnt even wake hearing me cry so i've come downstairs to write here in the hope i might feel a bit better.
we were so happy when we knew you were in my tummy. the best day of my life was when you was kicking like crazy in my stomach and i was stood watching my belly move with you. it was magical and amazing and i want that back i want you back and i cant and its killing me and i don't know if i ever will get that back either. i know daddy was talking to pops on the phone the other day and i'm sure he asked daddy if we were going to try again and he said maybe in a year or two. i dont think i can wait that long. mummy misses you so much and wants you back to mend the hole in my heart but i know thats never going to happen. wanting another baby isn't to replace you princess but to bring some of that happiness i felt when carrying you in my tummy. another baby wont fill that gap in my heart it wont ever get fixed but it will help heal it over time. i wish your daddy could understand how much i'm hurting and how much i wanted to be a mummy again and now i dont think i will get to hold the much wanted baby in my arms again.
mummy was looking forward to your sisters having a new playmate and imagined how much fun we would all have all us girls playing together and when you all were older doing girly things like shopping and watching girly films and you arent going to be a part of that anymore. those dreams have been shattered.
i cant bear to talk to ashley anymore because each time i do she mentions something about her baby and it brings it back to me that your not here that it should be me saying those things too and i'm not. instead i just get upset and jealous. i dont want to push her away and lose her friendship as she means so much to me shes the bestest friend mummy has ever had but i cant bear to see her happy when i'm so sad and miserable.
i wish i knew why i have had so much heartache over this past year i must of done something really bad in a former life to have this. i feel like its my own fault. ever since me and daddy split up last year its been bad news after bad news more heartache on top of heartache. jessica you were the one to make all that go away and not add to it. i feel like karma is playing a cruel trick on me for hurting your daddy so much. i didnt mean to hurt him back then mummy was so fed up and miserable it was the only way to make him see how much he was hurting me.
now i feel like we will end up splitting again. he wont open up to me about how hes feeling and shuts me out i know thats his way of coping but it just means we grieve separately when we should grieve together and i feel like we are getting further and further apart. i feel i cant say how i'm feeling and when i want to daddy is asleep. i cant help it if the only time i cry and get upset is when i'm laid in bed and my thoughts are the only thing keeping me company. he doesnt understand how i feel about wanting another baby and i'm scared that will bring a wedge between us too. all i want is to be happy! to have the family i always wanted and to be a mummy again to another precious child. i never dreamed that i would have 3 of those babies in heaven.
mummy cant wait til the day she meets you all again and sees your beautiful blue eyes. i fall in love with you the moment i saw you you were beautiful and so perfect and i wish we had more time together.mummy didnt want to let you go.
i love you jessica so so much and i miss you more everyday. i hope your having fun up there with your brother and sister and all the other angels.
play happily my princess. x
4 weeks have passed
well 4 weeks have passed since i lost my precious princess jessica. i miss her so much just wish she was back with me when life was happy and perfect.my whole world has shattered and i dont think i'll ever be happy again. i'm fed up of waiting for the results and have at least another 2-4 weeks left to wait its really driving me crazy i just want to know now so i can get some closure.
tried talking to jason again last night but it was pointless like it is everytime i talk to him yet he wonders why i dont. all i got from him was i know and i dont know what to say. ffs! say how you are feeling too. i feel like i'm the only one missing her and grieivng for her because in his words "he doesnt feel anything" yeah what a thing to say as i interpret that as i dont feel anything for jessica or that shes gone. i have so mucgh i want to say to him and i feel so alone and have to keep it to myself.
i'm trying my best to think positively for the future too but its hard. i'm holding onto the little bit of hope that one day we might try again and one day i will get another healthy baby but it seems everyone is against it. i know jason isnt too keen on the idea and i get the impression that neither is his family either. i know my mum probably wouldnt like the idea either. why can't no one see that i miss my baby so much i miss being pg so much and i dont even know if i'm ever going to get to experience that again. its the only thing right now that can help put a smile back on my face and fill the gap thats now left in my heart.
dont get me wrong my girls make me smile everyday and they help me so much but they already have places in my heart they can't fill that gap that another baby could. i wish i didnt feel like this i am so grateful to have my daughters but i always dreamed of having a big family i love being a mummy its the best thing i ever did the only thing i feel i'm really good at and thats been taken away from me 3 times now. when am i going to get my break and have a chance at happiness again.
me and jason decided to set a date for the wedding but that was just a pipedream as we cant afford to and dont think we will for a good few years yet. so now i cant even think about planning that to keep my mind off things.
why do bad things always happen to good people. i must of done horrible things in another life to have all the heartache and pain thrown at me. jessica deserved to be here she was sooooo wanted by us all now my daughter has been taken from me and jason a sister taken from the girls. they arent going to have another playmate to have fun with and they dont know any different since they are too young to understand. but i imagined this time next year having 3 little girls running around and its not going to happen.
i want my baby back!!!!! x
tried talking to jason again last night but it was pointless like it is everytime i talk to him yet he wonders why i dont. all i got from him was i know and i dont know what to say. ffs! say how you are feeling too. i feel like i'm the only one missing her and grieivng for her because in his words "he doesnt feel anything" yeah what a thing to say as i interpret that as i dont feel anything for jessica or that shes gone. i have so mucgh i want to say to him and i feel so alone and have to keep it to myself.
i'm trying my best to think positively for the future too but its hard. i'm holding onto the little bit of hope that one day we might try again and one day i will get another healthy baby but it seems everyone is against it. i know jason isnt too keen on the idea and i get the impression that neither is his family either. i know my mum probably wouldnt like the idea either. why can't no one see that i miss my baby so much i miss being pg so much and i dont even know if i'm ever going to get to experience that again. its the only thing right now that can help put a smile back on my face and fill the gap thats now left in my heart.
dont get me wrong my girls make me smile everyday and they help me so much but they already have places in my heart they can't fill that gap that another baby could. i wish i didnt feel like this i am so grateful to have my daughters but i always dreamed of having a big family i love being a mummy its the best thing i ever did the only thing i feel i'm really good at and thats been taken away from me 3 times now. when am i going to get my break and have a chance at happiness again.
me and jason decided to set a date for the wedding but that was just a pipedream as we cant afford to and dont think we will for a good few years yet. so now i cant even think about planning that to keep my mind off things.
why do bad things always happen to good people. i must of done horrible things in another life to have all the heartache and pain thrown at me. jessica deserved to be here she was sooooo wanted by us all now my daughter has been taken from me and jason a sister taken from the girls. they arent going to have another playmate to have fun with and they dont know any different since they are too young to understand. but i imagined this time next year having 3 little girls running around and its not going to happen.
i want my baby back!!!!! x
Monday, 11 May 2009
a send off fit for a princess
well thursday the 7th of may we said our final goodbyes to our princess. the service went lovely just how i imagined it.
we had r.e.m's everybody hurts playing as daddy carried you into the chapel as soon as we sat down mummy couldnt help but cry. your coffin was so tiny and i didnt want to say goodbye i wanted you back in my tummy where you belong.
it was an intimate service just me,daddy,hollie,charlotte grandma and my auntie toni.
reverand andrew did a lovely service and read out the poems mummy had chosen. afterwards mummy and daddy was left along with you and we took photos of you with your flowers from grandma and toni and your teddy that the mums from oct got you.
we then left the chapel and visited my auntie vicki's grave where your ashes will be buried and laid all the flowers there. hollie then let go of 5 balloons each one representing those 5 precious months we had with you. the balloons refused to fly though and your big sister chased after them. in the end the wind blew them across the grass and they were gone.
mummy is finding it so hard she still can't believe your gone.
mummy hates being so unhappy. i sent daddy an email telling him how i was feeling how much i was missing you and how much i just want to be pg again just so i can be happy again and daddy doesnt feel the same so mummy is more heartbroken why did you have to go and leave us and make mummy so unhappy. i know you were poorly and are no longer suffering and mummy is in pain so your not but its so hard.
i hope in time daddy might change his mind but i dont think he will and i'm not sure how i will cope if he doesnt.
i love you so so much jessica and wish you were back with us. x
we had r.e.m's everybody hurts playing as daddy carried you into the chapel as soon as we sat down mummy couldnt help but cry. your coffin was so tiny and i didnt want to say goodbye i wanted you back in my tummy where you belong.
it was an intimate service just me,daddy,hollie,charlotte grandma and my auntie toni.
reverand andrew did a lovely service and read out the poems mummy had chosen. afterwards mummy and daddy was left along with you and we took photos of you with your flowers from grandma and toni and your teddy that the mums from oct got you.
we then left the chapel and visited my auntie vicki's grave where your ashes will be buried and laid all the flowers there. hollie then let go of 5 balloons each one representing those 5 precious months we had with you. the balloons refused to fly though and your big sister chased after them. in the end the wind blew them across the grass and they were gone.
mummy is finding it so hard she still can't believe your gone.
mummy hates being so unhappy. i sent daddy an email telling him how i was feeling how much i was missing you and how much i just want to be pg again just so i can be happy again and daddy doesnt feel the same so mummy is more heartbroken why did you have to go and leave us and make mummy so unhappy. i know you were poorly and are no longer suffering and mummy is in pain so your not but its so hard.
i hope in time daddy might change his mind but i dont think he will and i'm not sure how i will cope if he doesnt.
i love you so so much jessica and wish you were back with us. x
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
struggling to cope
i'm finding things too hard why did my baby have to leave me? mummy misses her so much and my heart aches to have her back to hold her in my arms.
i finished all the plans for the funeral and in 2 days time i'm going to have to say goodbye to my precious girl and i shouldnt be. i dont know how i'm going to get through it.
i have so much going in in my head that i want to write down but i just cant get it out. the pain in my heart is too hard to bear. i never imagined i would lose jessica and it still feels like a nightmare i just want to wake up and have my bump back to feel my baby kicking again. i have so many friends who have recently had babies and are pregnant and its breaking my heart as i should be talking about pregnancy symptoms and planning the arrival of my daughter with them. i feel i dont belong anywhere anymore. i feel lost!
its breaking my heart knowing i probably wont get the chance to have another baby to feel those movements to see a baby on the scan and most of all have a healthy newborn in my arms to call my own.
my 2 daughters are growing up so quickly and i miss having a baby around. all i have ever wanted is to be a mother and have a big family and i'm never going to get the family i dreamed of.
why did this have to happen for the 3rd time and so far along i really really thought she was here to stay for keeps.
i know its for the best but it doesnt make it any easier. i would of loved her no matter what her problems she was our little miracle. i loved her from the start no matter how hard i tried not to get attached but how could i not. i was growing a life inside of me. part of me and jason another little girl who no doubt would of been just like her sisters gorgeous and cheeky.
i hate this emptiness i feel. i hate feeling on my own as i cant talk to the one person i want to turn to. i really want to talk to jason and not carry on hiding my feelings but i just cant. i hardly see him when hes working and on his days off we are both too busy with the girls to spend time together and when they are in bed hes usually on his xbox so i feel i have to just carry on and not show my emotions.
i really dont want thursday to come i know as soon as i see her coffin i will break down. she shouldnt be there she should be in my tummy where its safe and warm. i only hope shes being well looked after in the clouds til i can meet her and my other angels one day.
when is my luck going to change i dont know what i've done to deserve all this heartahe its so unfair! x
to jessica i miss you more with each day that passes i'll never forget your gorgeous blue eyes and your blonde eyebrows or your tiny hands and toes. i wish i could hold you again just one last time and tell you how much i love you. i hope you do know that i love you so very very much and you will always be my special girl. keep watching over us and look after us and try and help heal mummys broken heart. x
i finished all the plans for the funeral and in 2 days time i'm going to have to say goodbye to my precious girl and i shouldnt be. i dont know how i'm going to get through it.
i have so much going in in my head that i want to write down but i just cant get it out. the pain in my heart is too hard to bear. i never imagined i would lose jessica and it still feels like a nightmare i just want to wake up and have my bump back to feel my baby kicking again. i have so many friends who have recently had babies and are pregnant and its breaking my heart as i should be talking about pregnancy symptoms and planning the arrival of my daughter with them. i feel i dont belong anywhere anymore. i feel lost!
its breaking my heart knowing i probably wont get the chance to have another baby to feel those movements to see a baby on the scan and most of all have a healthy newborn in my arms to call my own.
my 2 daughters are growing up so quickly and i miss having a baby around. all i have ever wanted is to be a mother and have a big family and i'm never going to get the family i dreamed of.
why did this have to happen for the 3rd time and so far along i really really thought she was here to stay for keeps.
i know its for the best but it doesnt make it any easier. i would of loved her no matter what her problems she was our little miracle. i loved her from the start no matter how hard i tried not to get attached but how could i not. i was growing a life inside of me. part of me and jason another little girl who no doubt would of been just like her sisters gorgeous and cheeky.
i hate this emptiness i feel. i hate feeling on my own as i cant talk to the one person i want to turn to. i really want to talk to jason and not carry on hiding my feelings but i just cant. i hardly see him when hes working and on his days off we are both too busy with the girls to spend time together and when they are in bed hes usually on his xbox so i feel i have to just carry on and not show my emotions.
i really dont want thursday to come i know as soon as i see her coffin i will break down. she shouldnt be there she should be in my tummy where its safe and warm. i only hope shes being well looked after in the clouds til i can meet her and my other angels one day.
when is my luck going to change i dont know what i've done to deserve all this heartahe its so unfair! x
to jessica i miss you more with each day that passes i'll never forget your gorgeous blue eyes and your blonde eyebrows or your tiny hands and toes. i wish i could hold you again just one last time and tell you how much i love you. i hope you do know that i love you so very very much and you will always be my special girl. keep watching over us and look after us and try and help heal mummys broken heart. x
Monday, 4 May 2009
heartbroken
well its been nearly 2 weeks since i lost my angel jessica and i still miss her so much. the pain is easing as time goes on but my heat aches to hear her heartbeat again to feel her kick my heart aches for my baby one i'll never get to hold again,never see her smile,or talk or hear i say i love you mummy! i feel so empty my baby should be in my tummy yet shes now in heaven.
i dont know what i have done to deserve such sadness in my life. 2008 was the wost year of my life and thought 2009 would be the happiest with the arrival of jessica but that was shattered too and so 2009 is going to be filled with more tears,sadness and pain.
i'm trying to be so strong for my daughters and for jason i keep the tears away til they are all asleep and then i cry for my baby. jessica was my last hope of ever having another baby and she was snatched away. it hurts so much. all i ever wanted is another healthy baby to complete our family and my dream has been shattered again.why! why me why us. i should be 21 weeks pg now counting down the weeks til my babys arrival not mourning jessicas death .
i love jessica so much and i know she isnt coming back as much as i want her to. i feel so empty and all i want is to be pg again just to feel as happy as i was when i was carrying jessica and i know i'm never going to get it. i cant talk to jason about it i already know what he will say and i know my heart will break even more. i wish men could expereince what it feels like to be pregnant to have such a strong bond with your baby from the moment you find out,to feeling those special kicks and knowing you body is carrying such a precious gift. i know he wont understand how i feel. the moment i felt jessica kick for the first time was one of my happiest times with her. i was in awe of he moving around seeing my stomach move with her. i had the biggest grin on my face and i never felt happier. i want that happiness back i dont want all this heartache i've been burden with.
its only 3 days to her funeral and i dont want to say goodbye i want her back in my tummy where she belongs.
i want this pain to go away! x
to jessica i love you so so much and know you are at peach and painfree but mummy wishes it wasnt so i miss you so vey much. my special little princess x
i dont know what i have done to deserve such sadness in my life. 2008 was the wost year of my life and thought 2009 would be the happiest with the arrival of jessica but that was shattered too and so 2009 is going to be filled with more tears,sadness and pain.
i'm trying to be so strong for my daughters and for jason i keep the tears away til they are all asleep and then i cry for my baby. jessica was my last hope of ever having another baby and she was snatched away. it hurts so much. all i ever wanted is another healthy baby to complete our family and my dream has been shattered again.why! why me why us. i should be 21 weeks pg now counting down the weeks til my babys arrival not mourning jessicas death .
i love jessica so much and i know she isnt coming back as much as i want her to. i feel so empty and all i want is to be pg again just to feel as happy as i was when i was carrying jessica and i know i'm never going to get it. i cant talk to jason about it i already know what he will say and i know my heart will break even more. i wish men could expereince what it feels like to be pregnant to have such a strong bond with your baby from the moment you find out,to feeling those special kicks and knowing you body is carrying such a precious gift. i know he wont understand how i feel. the moment i felt jessica kick for the first time was one of my happiest times with her. i was in awe of he moving around seeing my stomach move with her. i had the biggest grin on my face and i never felt happier. i want that happiness back i dont want all this heartache i've been burden with.
its only 3 days to her funeral and i dont want to say goodbye i want her back in my tummy where she belongs.
i want this pain to go away! x
to jessica i love you so so much and know you are at peach and painfree but mummy wishes it wasnt so i miss you so vey much. my special little princess x
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
week on
well my angel jessica its been a week since we lost you. mummy misses you so so much i wish you didnt have to leave us. auntie ash came with ellie and stayed with us while daddy was at work so mummy wasn't alone and it has helped so much just having someone around to keep me company. the pain has gotten easier each day i know you were poorly and it was for the best but mummy misses being pg so much. mummys body thinks theres still a baby. my milk has come in yet i have no hungry baby to feed i wish i could have you here baby. i was looking forward to breastfeeding you as mummy enjoyed it so much with charlotte.
i just long to have a healthy baby and feel like i'm never going to get my much wanted 3rd baby you were my last hope. i know you left for a reason and if mummy could have you back she would but she knows you are gone and that i'll never get you back and so the yearning to be pg and be as happy as i was when i was carrying you is aching in my heart. i want to talk to your daddy but i know right now i won't hear what i want to hear and it will just hurt mummy more so i am carrying this burden on my own. am hoping once we get answers to why you left we might be able to start trying again not to replace you my darling as you are irreplaceable but just so we can have the family we dreamed of. the family we though we were going to get when i was pg with you jessica.
please know that mummy loves you very much. every night i look at your photo and say goodnight. every night i go to bed cuddling your blanket knowing you are there watching over me. you will always be my baby even though you are not here.
how i wish i could talk to your daddy. i dont want to push him away but right now i can't help it. if i talk to him and i dont like what he says i'll be more upset and i will push him even further away as i dont want to be hurting anymore then i am now but at the same time its so hard having to keep how i'm feeling to myself and feeling alone.
we still havent heard if your post-mortem has been done yet. i hope its soon princess mummy wants to have your funeral so we can say goodbye and lay you to rest. we have decided to have you cremated it was daddys wish and as he has done everything for me when we lost you i felt it only fair to give him his one wish. mummy has thought of music to have played but everything else she just cant concentrate on. we are having rev andrew marsden who baptised you to do your service and mummy is looking for some poems to be read out during it too. we hopefully will get your ashes so that when mummy and daddy have the money we shall get you buried and get you a headstone so we have somewhere to visit. mummy wishes she had the money to get you buried straight away but sadly we dont.
mummy is getting fed up of waiting to find out what was wrong with you. i've done alot of research so think i know what they will say but til then i feel like i'm in limbo. i know you were poorly but we wont have a diagnosis for at least another 7 weeks. it feels like an eternity away. mummy does hope she gets answers so that mummy can be at peace and also so if we do try again for another baby we can prevent what happened to you happening to your future brother/sister.
sometimes mummy feels angry that she wasnt able to have tests after she lost your siblings. maybe if she did your death could of been prevented. mummy feels so helpless.
i'm just babbling now but just need to get my feelings down somewhere and let you know that your always on mummys mind and i love you so so much! x
p.s mummy is getting a tattoo done on friday of your name and footprints mummy cant have you here on earth with you so your footprints etched on my skin for the rest of my life means you will be close.
i just long to have a healthy baby and feel like i'm never going to get my much wanted 3rd baby you were my last hope. i know you left for a reason and if mummy could have you back she would but she knows you are gone and that i'll never get you back and so the yearning to be pg and be as happy as i was when i was carrying you is aching in my heart. i want to talk to your daddy but i know right now i won't hear what i want to hear and it will just hurt mummy more so i am carrying this burden on my own. am hoping once we get answers to why you left we might be able to start trying again not to replace you my darling as you are irreplaceable but just so we can have the family we dreamed of. the family we though we were going to get when i was pg with you jessica.
please know that mummy loves you very much. every night i look at your photo and say goodnight. every night i go to bed cuddling your blanket knowing you are there watching over me. you will always be my baby even though you are not here.
how i wish i could talk to your daddy. i dont want to push him away but right now i can't help it. if i talk to him and i dont like what he says i'll be more upset and i will push him even further away as i dont want to be hurting anymore then i am now but at the same time its so hard having to keep how i'm feeling to myself and feeling alone.
we still havent heard if your post-mortem has been done yet. i hope its soon princess mummy wants to have your funeral so we can say goodbye and lay you to rest. we have decided to have you cremated it was daddys wish and as he has done everything for me when we lost you i felt it only fair to give him his one wish. mummy has thought of music to have played but everything else she just cant concentrate on. we are having rev andrew marsden who baptised you to do your service and mummy is looking for some poems to be read out during it too. we hopefully will get your ashes so that when mummy and daddy have the money we shall get you buried and get you a headstone so we have somewhere to visit. mummy wishes she had the money to get you buried straight away but sadly we dont.
mummy is getting fed up of waiting to find out what was wrong with you. i've done alot of research so think i know what they will say but til then i feel like i'm in limbo. i know you were poorly but we wont have a diagnosis for at least another 7 weeks. it feels like an eternity away. mummy does hope she gets answers so that mummy can be at peace and also so if we do try again for another baby we can prevent what happened to you happening to your future brother/sister.
sometimes mummy feels angry that she wasnt able to have tests after she lost your siblings. maybe if she did your death could of been prevented. mummy feels so helpless.
i'm just babbling now but just need to get my feelings down somewhere and let you know that your always on mummys mind and i love you so so much! x
p.s mummy is getting a tattoo done on friday of your name and footprints mummy cant have you here on earth with you so your footprints etched on my skin for the rest of my life means you will be close.
Saturday, 25 April 2009
your gone!
mummy hasnt updated in ages on here. i can't beleive i havent posted. i'm so sorry.
well as the title of this one says my darling angel you have gone to play with your siblings.
we had a scan at 17 weeks which showed you was a little girl our jessica. mummy wasnt sure that they had got the sex right so booked another scan for when i was 18+6 as it was free and wanted to make sure you was 100% girl before i bought anything. though i did get you 2 sweet little sleepsuits.
the day came to have the scan and thats when my nightmare began. the sonographer told me the words i didnt want to hear that your little heart had stopped beating and you was a poorly girl. you had something wrong with your brain and spine and you had fluid on your tummy. mummy will never forget the pain she felt when she heard those words at that moment i wanted to curl in a ball and join you but i knew for the sake of my girls your older sisters i couldnt oh how i wish i could though princess.
the next day we had to go into hospital and have another scan which confirmed that you had indeed passed away. mummy was then given a tablet and told to come back in two days to be induced. my heart was broken i was so scared! i didnt want to go through labour knowing i'd never get to see you breath or hear you cry. i was so scared to meet you as i knew you would be tiny.
those next 2 days passed in a blur of tears and extreme pain. your daddy was being so strong for mummy though he was hurting just as much as me.
the 21st april the day we went to be induced. the hardest day of my life a day i wish never had happened. we got to the hospital around 9.30 and around 10 i was given the first lot of tablets to bring you into this world. an hour or so later the pains started and i knew this was the beginning of the end. i couldnt bear it the emotional pain was so much harder to deal with then the physical pain. it wasnt long after that i was ready to push you out and at 1.34pm you was born into our world. the room was so quiet i willed for you to cry but no sound came out. i hugged your daddy and cried as you was taken away to be cleaned. i so wanted to see you but i knew i wasnt ready. i was scared to meet you.
the midwife took a photo of you and me and daddy looked at you. i felt so much love for you my princess my heart aches for you. not long after i felt ready to see you and when i did i cried so much. you was sooo perfect yet so tiny. you had your sister hollies blue eyes and you looked like charlotte. your little hands and toes were no bigger then my fingernail and you weighed 150g (around 5.2 oz) so so small. you were placed in a little moses basket next to me and i just sat stroking your face and your hands and wishing you hadnt gone. i was so scared to hold you as you were so tiny but knew i would regret not getting cuddles with my special little girl. so daddy picked you up and placed you in my hands. your back fitted into the palm of my hand and you were as light as a feather.
you were such a poorly girl and knew it was for the best that you had gone but it makes the pain in mummys heart no better. i wanted to spend as much time with you as possible but you had fluid on your brain which was slowly spreading to your face. you were so beautiful but i knew i had to say goodbye mummy couldnt bear to watch you deteriorate in front of mummys eyes and so after 5 precious hours together we said goodbye to you. i wish i could see you again and stroke your face if only for a moment.
we left with you a blanket your auntie ash bough you,a teddy bear of mummys that both your sisters have cuddled when they were babies so all our love is with you,a photo of mummy and daddy so your not alone,a painting of your sisters handprints so they could cuddle you in spirit and finally a drawing hollie did of all of us a family of 5.
i hope you know mummy and daddy loved you so very very much and not a day hasnt gone by when i wish we could have you back in our lifes.
mummy doesnt know how she is going to live without you. you were our miracle and i never thought for one moment that i would lose you.
i cherise the time we had together. seeing you at scans. feeling you move for the first time and then later on watching you wiggle in my tummy. hopefully in time mummy can focus on those special moments we had together.
my heart is torn princess i wish i knew why you had to leave. but mummy has to wait 6-8 agonizing weeks to find out why you were so poorly and its breaking mummys heart. she wants to know now so she can be at peace and try and move on from this pain. we are hoping it doesnt take long for the pathologist to do your postmortem so we can have your funeral.
mummy loves you my princess,my angel my everything. x
http://jessica-beard.gonetoosoon.org/
well as the title of this one says my darling angel you have gone to play with your siblings.
we had a scan at 17 weeks which showed you was a little girl our jessica. mummy wasnt sure that they had got the sex right so booked another scan for when i was 18+6 as it was free and wanted to make sure you was 100% girl before i bought anything. though i did get you 2 sweet little sleepsuits.
the day came to have the scan and thats when my nightmare began. the sonographer told me the words i didnt want to hear that your little heart had stopped beating and you was a poorly girl. you had something wrong with your brain and spine and you had fluid on your tummy. mummy will never forget the pain she felt when she heard those words at that moment i wanted to curl in a ball and join you but i knew for the sake of my girls your older sisters i couldnt oh how i wish i could though princess.
the next day we had to go into hospital and have another scan which confirmed that you had indeed passed away. mummy was then given a tablet and told to come back in two days to be induced. my heart was broken i was so scared! i didnt want to go through labour knowing i'd never get to see you breath or hear you cry. i was so scared to meet you as i knew you would be tiny.
those next 2 days passed in a blur of tears and extreme pain. your daddy was being so strong for mummy though he was hurting just as much as me.
the 21st april the day we went to be induced. the hardest day of my life a day i wish never had happened. we got to the hospital around 9.30 and around 10 i was given the first lot of tablets to bring you into this world. an hour or so later the pains started and i knew this was the beginning of the end. i couldnt bear it the emotional pain was so much harder to deal with then the physical pain. it wasnt long after that i was ready to push you out and at 1.34pm you was born into our world. the room was so quiet i willed for you to cry but no sound came out. i hugged your daddy and cried as you was taken away to be cleaned. i so wanted to see you but i knew i wasnt ready. i was scared to meet you.
the midwife took a photo of you and me and daddy looked at you. i felt so much love for you my princess my heart aches for you. not long after i felt ready to see you and when i did i cried so much. you was sooo perfect yet so tiny. you had your sister hollies blue eyes and you looked like charlotte. your little hands and toes were no bigger then my fingernail and you weighed 150g (around 5.2 oz) so so small. you were placed in a little moses basket next to me and i just sat stroking your face and your hands and wishing you hadnt gone. i was so scared to hold you as you were so tiny but knew i would regret not getting cuddles with my special little girl. so daddy picked you up and placed you in my hands. your back fitted into the palm of my hand and you were as light as a feather.
you were such a poorly girl and knew it was for the best that you had gone but it makes the pain in mummys heart no better. i wanted to spend as much time with you as possible but you had fluid on your brain which was slowly spreading to your face. you were so beautiful but i knew i had to say goodbye mummy couldnt bear to watch you deteriorate in front of mummys eyes and so after 5 precious hours together we said goodbye to you. i wish i could see you again and stroke your face if only for a moment.
we left with you a blanket your auntie ash bough you,a teddy bear of mummys that both your sisters have cuddled when they were babies so all our love is with you,a photo of mummy and daddy so your not alone,a painting of your sisters handprints so they could cuddle you in spirit and finally a drawing hollie did of all of us a family of 5.
i hope you know mummy and daddy loved you so very very much and not a day hasnt gone by when i wish we could have you back in our lifes.
mummy doesnt know how she is going to live without you. you were our miracle and i never thought for one moment that i would lose you.
i cherise the time we had together. seeing you at scans. feeling you move for the first time and then later on watching you wiggle in my tummy. hopefully in time mummy can focus on those special moments we had together.
my heart is torn princess i wish i knew why you had to leave. but mummy has to wait 6-8 agonizing weeks to find out why you were so poorly and its breaking mummys heart. she wants to know now so she can be at peace and try and move on from this pain. we are hoping it doesnt take long for the pathologist to do your postmortem so we can have your funeral.
mummy loves you my princess,my angel my everything. x
http://jessica-beard.gonetoosoon.org/
Thursday, 5 March 2009
its a little fighter!!!
Well i had my 12 week private scan just over a week ago and oh my word it was the most fantastic sight i have ever seen in my life! there was stuffing perfectly formed with a cute button nose and little fingers and toes. at first he/she was laid still but the probe must of woken stuffing up as he.she soon started wriggling and made it hard for the sonographer to click on the heartbeat to listen in! she finally got it and stuffings heartbeat was 158bpm.
she really took her time too. showed us baby from every angle and pointed out his/her internal organs. we even got a glimpse of inbetween his/her legs and this one was certainly not shy like his/her sister as legs were wide open. shame it isnt possible to tell the sex at this stage but i reckon its another girl. but then again because he.she wasnt being modest about having its legs open it could well be a boy. 8 weeks to go and i will find out cant wait!
we got some fab scan pics and also a dvd of our little miracle. this is the link to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1VERM7sDrg
symptom wise still suffering from the sickness still on tablets for it. last week i thought it was getting better but seems to be back to feeling nauseous constantly again. ah well hopefully it will go at 16 weeks like it did with charlotte. otherwise i hope it stops at 20 weeks like it did with hollie!
getting a nice bump now which i'm proud of actually starting to feel pregnant now and my bump has made it all the more real. looking forward to feeling the baby move and kick. i have had a few movements but not sure whether its baby or not.
see my midwife next week which i'm looking forward too seems like i've been made to wait ages for my booking appointment cant wait to get the ball rolling.
will try and update next week after my midwife appointment. find it so hard to get on here and update these days. x
she really took her time too. showed us baby from every angle and pointed out his/her internal organs. we even got a glimpse of inbetween his/her legs and this one was certainly not shy like his/her sister as legs were wide open. shame it isnt possible to tell the sex at this stage but i reckon its another girl. but then again because he.she wasnt being modest about having its legs open it could well be a boy. 8 weeks to go and i will find out cant wait!
we got some fab scan pics and also a dvd of our little miracle. this is the link to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1VERM7sDrg
symptom wise still suffering from the sickness still on tablets for it. last week i thought it was getting better but seems to be back to feeling nauseous constantly again. ah well hopefully it will go at 16 weeks like it did with charlotte. otherwise i hope it stops at 20 weeks like it did with hollie!
getting a nice bump now which i'm proud of actually starting to feel pregnant now and my bump has made it all the more real. looking forward to feeling the baby move and kick. i have had a few movements but not sure whether its baby or not.
see my midwife next week which i'm looking forward too seems like i've been made to wait ages for my booking appointment cant wait to get the ball rolling.
will try and update next week after my midwife appointment. find it so hard to get on here and update these days. x
Saturday, 21 February 2009
The best sound in the world!
wow its been ages since i last updated *blushes* time seems to be going fast in a foggy blur of tiredness and sickness and i find it difficult to get on here and type.
we are now 11 weeks pg with our baby miracle and yesterday i found stuffings heartbeat. it was AMAZING!!!!! the best sound i have heard! 156bpm and sounding like a train. old wives tales say that its a boy if it sounds like a train but then again it also says a fast heartbeat means its a girl so who knows lol.
been a rough few days and its taken its toll on me. firstly the sickness which seems to change its mind everyday on how it sick it wants to make me. then things with jason weren't good and last night i got upset with him though we talked and sorted things out. and then there was the days leading up to today which is my 2nd angels due date and its made me sad. i think stuffing knew that and decided yesterday was the day to make his/her presence known.
i have a scan on tuesday which i was dreading but after finding the heartbeat i now cant wait and am actually getting excited by the thought that this baby is going to be a keeper. i just hope that nothing goes wrong as i know to well even further on in the pregnancy things can happen beyond our control. so not counting my chickens yet in that things will be fine but feeling alot more optimistic!
am hoping this sickness goes soon i think i've had my fair share now. taken 2 tablets today instead of just the 1 and feel soooo much better. so think when i'm having particularly yucky days i will take 2. even managed to do most of the housework which has been the first time in ages lol.
shall try and update again after my scan when i get back from ashleys as we are staying with her for a couple of days not been in ages and cant wait to compare bumps and scan pics and also see gorgeous elithien again!
we are now 11 weeks pg with our baby miracle and yesterday i found stuffings heartbeat. it was AMAZING!!!!! the best sound i have heard! 156bpm and sounding like a train. old wives tales say that its a boy if it sounds like a train but then again it also says a fast heartbeat means its a girl so who knows lol.
been a rough few days and its taken its toll on me. firstly the sickness which seems to change its mind everyday on how it sick it wants to make me. then things with jason weren't good and last night i got upset with him though we talked and sorted things out. and then there was the days leading up to today which is my 2nd angels due date and its made me sad. i think stuffing knew that and decided yesterday was the day to make his/her presence known.
i have a scan on tuesday which i was dreading but after finding the heartbeat i now cant wait and am actually getting excited by the thought that this baby is going to be a keeper. i just hope that nothing goes wrong as i know to well even further on in the pregnancy things can happen beyond our control. so not counting my chickens yet in that things will be fine but feeling alot more optimistic!
am hoping this sickness goes soon i think i've had my fair share now. taken 2 tablets today instead of just the 1 and feel soooo much better. so think when i'm having particularly yucky days i will take 2. even managed to do most of the housework which has been the first time in ages lol.
shall try and update again after my scan when i get back from ashleys as we are staying with her for a couple of days not been in ages and cant wait to compare bumps and scan pics and also see gorgeous elithien again!
Friday, 6 February 2009
2nd scan went well yipee!
not updated again in a while as been so ill with the morning sickness and not really had much to report since the last scan.
well i had my second scan 2 days ago and thankfully baby has grown and is nice and healthy measured at 8+3 so 2 days out from what i thought.sadly this scan replaced my 12 week one which am bit peeved off at as didnt ask for this scan the epu booked me in for it. so means i have to go privately. at least at the private scan i will get more time looking at the baby and a better scan pic. i will try and put my scan pic on here when i figure out how to do it.
still suffering with the morning sickness and still on tablets. rang out of my iron/folic acid tablets and felt too rough to go get my repeat prescription so been taking normal folic acid tablets and hopefully tomorow jason will go pick my prescription up for me if my doctor still has it.
getting quite a bump now and feel huge. at 5/6 weeks i had put on half a stone and now i have lost that along with another stone. shows just how bad my appetite has gotten as i am hardly eating. but still have an impressive bump.
been having a go with my doppler this week but so far not picked up anything. guess would help if i didnt try it when the girls are around as charlotte likes to intterupt me or the both start fighting and i have to turn it off and sort them out.
nothing else to write about now. shall be booking my private scan soon for the end of the month/begining of march and have my 20 week scan on the 27th april. hope i make it that far this time.
will update again in a week or so. x
well i had my second scan 2 days ago and thankfully baby has grown and is nice and healthy measured at 8+3 so 2 days out from what i thought.sadly this scan replaced my 12 week one which am bit peeved off at as didnt ask for this scan the epu booked me in for it. so means i have to go privately. at least at the private scan i will get more time looking at the baby and a better scan pic. i will try and put my scan pic on here when i figure out how to do it.
still suffering with the morning sickness and still on tablets. rang out of my iron/folic acid tablets and felt too rough to go get my repeat prescription so been taking normal folic acid tablets and hopefully tomorow jason will go pick my prescription up for me if my doctor still has it.
getting quite a bump now and feel huge. at 5/6 weeks i had put on half a stone and now i have lost that along with another stone. shows just how bad my appetite has gotten as i am hardly eating. but still have an impressive bump.
been having a go with my doppler this week but so far not picked up anything. guess would help if i didnt try it when the girls are around as charlotte likes to intterupt me or the both start fighting and i have to turn it off and sort them out.
nothing else to write about now. shall be booking my private scan soon for the end of the month/begining of march and have my 20 week scan on the 27th april. hope i make it that far this time.
will update again in a week or so. x
Thursday, 22 January 2009
we have a heartbeat!
not had internet for a while as got cut off grrrrr! so not been able to update much til now.
well as title says we have a heartbeat inside a teeny weeny lil baby. only measuring at 4.1mm awwww!!!!! saw my doctor yesterday who booked me in for a scan an hour later. had my bloods taken and then went for a scan. felt like the longest 10 mins of my live as the sonographer got what she needed (and as was a trainee too alot longer to find my ovaries etc). finally she turned the screen around and there was my baby with a heartbeat! am so happy and so releived and can try and relax a little now i know the rate of m/c has gone down once a heartbeat is detected.
was measured at 6 weeks but am sticking with my 6+6 til the dating scan as know its more reliable then.
i go back in 2 weeks for another scan which is fab as wasnt expecting them to book me in again so soon though was told it might replace my dating scan but i'm hoping it doesnt.
doctor i saw to confirm my pregnancy was meant to book me in but typically she hadnt so was waiting 2 weeks for nothing. wasnt until saw doctor for some anti-sickness tablets that he noticed so now have to wait another 2 weeks am not a happy bunny about that!
on other news the morning sickness has hit me good and proper and have had to start taking tablets for it which i really dont want to do but i need to for the sake of me,the baby and the girls. its not fair on them to have such a poorly mummy who cant do anything but lay on the sofa and be sick all the time. at least on these tablets i can get through the day.
tiredness has eased a bit now which i'm really pleased about though have been going to bed early past few nights probably down to the sickness more then anything.
so all in all feeling very postiive that this baby is meant to be and cant wait for my next scan.
ooo also got a doppler from my good friend emma she kindly sent me it when she saw that i was after buying one. which was soooooo lovely of her as they cost alot to buy but she said if it reassured me then she was happy. love her to bits one of the best friends i could ever ask for even though not met her in real life yet.
will update in a few days time if have any to report on.
well as title says we have a heartbeat inside a teeny weeny lil baby. only measuring at 4.1mm awwww!!!!! saw my doctor yesterday who booked me in for a scan an hour later. had my bloods taken and then went for a scan. felt like the longest 10 mins of my live as the sonographer got what she needed (and as was a trainee too alot longer to find my ovaries etc). finally she turned the screen around and there was my baby with a heartbeat! am so happy and so releived and can try and relax a little now i know the rate of m/c has gone down once a heartbeat is detected.
was measured at 6 weeks but am sticking with my 6+6 til the dating scan as know its more reliable then.
i go back in 2 weeks for another scan which is fab as wasnt expecting them to book me in again so soon though was told it might replace my dating scan but i'm hoping it doesnt.
doctor i saw to confirm my pregnancy was meant to book me in but typically she hadnt so was waiting 2 weeks for nothing. wasnt until saw doctor for some anti-sickness tablets that he noticed so now have to wait another 2 weeks am not a happy bunny about that!
on other news the morning sickness has hit me good and proper and have had to start taking tablets for it which i really dont want to do but i need to for the sake of me,the baby and the girls. its not fair on them to have such a poorly mummy who cant do anything but lay on the sofa and be sick all the time. at least on these tablets i can get through the day.
tiredness has eased a bit now which i'm really pleased about though have been going to bed early past few nights probably down to the sickness more then anything.
so all in all feeling very postiive that this baby is meant to be and cant wait for my next scan.
ooo also got a doppler from my good friend emma she kindly sent me it when she saw that i was after buying one. which was soooooo lovely of her as they cost alot to buy but she said if it reassured me then she was happy. love her to bits one of the best friends i could ever ask for even though not met her in real life yet.
will update in a few days time if have any to report on.
Monday, 12 January 2009
the worrys and excitement start
oh god not done a blog for a while. have been so tired lately that when i get round to typing one up my eyes are too tired to focus. so told myself i would write today.
well have been testing still even went out on payday and bought some more including some digis and its reassured me alot.
went to see the doctor to get booked in on the 7th jan and she was horrid. didnt want to listen to my concerns or rather didnt want to take them on board. asked to be reffered for a scan and she said she will but that the epu would only scan me if there was something wrong so basically saying you probably wont get a scan.
i came out of the doctors feeling upset and deflated. it was like no one wanted to care about me or my baby and my lost babies didnt matter.
the next day the 8th i started getting some serious cramping which had me doubled over at one point. i waited all day to see if the pains would ease but they didnt so rang epu which was shut. the next morning i tried again to be told i needed to be reffered by a doctor so phoned doctors and managed to get an appointment that day after explaining to the receptionist. i was dreading going as i thought i would have got the misery cow i got on the monday but was suprised to see a different doctor called dr rose. another female who was this time english and she couldnt of been more lovely.
she listened to my concerns and seemed genuinely worried for me especially as i told her my history of losing my angels. she took her time and reassured me and then tried to get through to the epu but then again it was shut so she promised to ring the epu the next morning and let me know what they say.
she said she was shocked the epu wouldnt see me without a refferal and it actually felt i had someone on mine and my babys side and all the positivity i lost with the 1st doctor i regained with her.
after seeing her i felt so much better and i'm determined to see her throughout my pregnancy if i can.
anyways the next morning the receptionist called saying the doctor had rang the epu but they wouldnt scan me til 6 weeks and i had a choice of seeing a doctor on the 19th or seeing dr rose on the 21st who would then book me a scan. of course i chose to see dr rose. so fingers crossed i will get to see my baby on or a few days after the 21st. i just hope the epu are considerate and dont pass me off as a neuorotic mother-to-be.
still suffering with the same symptoms. nausea seems to be kicking in mainly last thing at night when i'm in bed and first thing in the morning. am just glad that when i eat it makes it go away but i know give it a week or 2 and that morning sickness will hit me in the face and i will become best friends once again with the toilet bowl. going to try my best to get on with it this time round and try to avoid the tablets atleast until i get past 9 weeks and know things are ok. dont want to do anything this time round to harm my baby even paracetamol i would rather suffer.
hoping sometime next week i will get my midwife appointment through think with my last pregnancy it took about 2 weeks or just over and its been a week since i saw the doctor.
really looking forward to this pregnancy i just hope my precious baby decides to stay with us and is safe and warm in my womb.
well have been testing still even went out on payday and bought some more including some digis and its reassured me alot.
went to see the doctor to get booked in on the 7th jan and she was horrid. didnt want to listen to my concerns or rather didnt want to take them on board. asked to be reffered for a scan and she said she will but that the epu would only scan me if there was something wrong so basically saying you probably wont get a scan.
i came out of the doctors feeling upset and deflated. it was like no one wanted to care about me or my baby and my lost babies didnt matter.
the next day the 8th i started getting some serious cramping which had me doubled over at one point. i waited all day to see if the pains would ease but they didnt so rang epu which was shut. the next morning i tried again to be told i needed to be reffered by a doctor so phoned doctors and managed to get an appointment that day after explaining to the receptionist. i was dreading going as i thought i would have got the misery cow i got on the monday but was suprised to see a different doctor called dr rose. another female who was this time english and she couldnt of been more lovely.
she listened to my concerns and seemed genuinely worried for me especially as i told her my history of losing my angels. she took her time and reassured me and then tried to get through to the epu but then again it was shut so she promised to ring the epu the next morning and let me know what they say.
she said she was shocked the epu wouldnt see me without a refferal and it actually felt i had someone on mine and my babys side and all the positivity i lost with the 1st doctor i regained with her.
after seeing her i felt so much better and i'm determined to see her throughout my pregnancy if i can.
anyways the next morning the receptionist called saying the doctor had rang the epu but they wouldnt scan me til 6 weeks and i had a choice of seeing a doctor on the 19th or seeing dr rose on the 21st who would then book me a scan. of course i chose to see dr rose. so fingers crossed i will get to see my baby on or a few days after the 21st. i just hope the epu are considerate and dont pass me off as a neuorotic mother-to-be.
still suffering with the same symptoms. nausea seems to be kicking in mainly last thing at night when i'm in bed and first thing in the morning. am just glad that when i eat it makes it go away but i know give it a week or 2 and that morning sickness will hit me in the face and i will become best friends once again with the toilet bowl. going to try my best to get on with it this time round and try to avoid the tablets atleast until i get past 9 weeks and know things are ok. dont want to do anything this time round to harm my baby even paracetamol i would rather suffer.
hoping sometime next week i will get my midwife appointment through think with my last pregnancy it took about 2 weeks or just over and its been a week since i saw the doctor.
really looking forward to this pregnancy i just hope my precious baby decides to stay with us and is safe and warm in my womb.
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Digi Says......
PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG! i couldnt wait to test so i did it at midnight on the 2nd/3rd and it came up with pregnant 1-2 which is spot on for when i ovulated.
its only just starting to sink in properly have to pinch myself every now and then to make sure its real. did 2 more test this morning a tesco and a cheapy both nice bfps.
think next week when i get payed i might invest in more digital tests think it will reassure me to see the conception indicator go up.
symptoms past two days have been similar to the ones at 11dpo. tiredness is really bugging me would be easier if charlotte actually slept right through the night. broken sleep isnt good it makes me more tired! i got quite alot of hours sleep last night so thought would feel better today but after being woken at 3.30am and then 5am i felt as awful as i have the past few days!
nausea hit me this morning but only lasted a while once i had eaten it went away. glad that for now its not full on morning sickness hopefully that wont start til 6 weeks so just enjoying eating while i can!
at doctors tomorow so hoping get things moving and get some blood tests booked and an early scan though knowing them i wont hear anything for at least 2 weeks for a scan. i did ring epu but they wont let me self refer myself even after my history which isnt fair as some places let you refer and some dont.should be one rule for everywhere imo!
i really really hope this doesnt end before its begun like the last two pregnancies. please my tiny miracle stay safe and warm for mummy! x
OMG! i couldnt wait to test so i did it at midnight on the 2nd/3rd and it came up with pregnant 1-2 which is spot on for when i ovulated.
its only just starting to sink in properly have to pinch myself every now and then to make sure its real. did 2 more test this morning a tesco and a cheapy both nice bfps.
think next week when i get payed i might invest in more digital tests think it will reassure me to see the conception indicator go up.
symptoms past two days have been similar to the ones at 11dpo. tiredness is really bugging me would be easier if charlotte actually slept right through the night. broken sleep isnt good it makes me more tired! i got quite alot of hours sleep last night so thought would feel better today but after being woken at 3.30am and then 5am i felt as awful as i have the past few days!
nausea hit me this morning but only lasted a while once i had eaten it went away. glad that for now its not full on morning sickness hopefully that wont start til 6 weeks so just enjoying eating while i can!
at doctors tomorow so hoping get things moving and get some blood tests booked and an early scan though knowing them i wont hear anything for at least 2 weeks for a scan. i did ring epu but they wont let me self refer myself even after my history which isnt fair as some places let you refer and some dont.should be one rule for everywhere imo!
i really really hope this doesnt end before its begun like the last two pregnancies. please my tiny miracle stay safe and warm for mummy! x
Friday, 2 January 2009
happy new year!
wow its been a week since i last posted! been so busy with the girls and with the festives that i havent had chance to pop on.
what a week its been as well!
we did it we got our bfp!!!!! wasnt so sure about this month and thought was out. but at 8dpo i got a faint line. told myself not to be so silly and it was an evap line but after using several tests everyday and seeing more lines it must be true!
i can't beleive it! i'm in denial at the moment i think. probably my subconcious protecting me if the worst happens but i am staying positive and not thinking about it too much as want to relax with this pregnancy and enjoy it even if it does end too early again.
even better news my best friend whos daughter is 5 days older then charlotte is pg again too and due in the same month!!! its madness! also a ttc friend got her bfp also so am in good company and feel it must be a sign everythings ok with my baby.
going to do a digi tomorow and think it will sink in for me when i see those pregnant words.just hoping theres enough hormones to detect it.
i'm hoping after having a lovely start to the new year that 2009 will only get better and better.
symptoms so far are:
7dpo- got a spot on my neck i never get them on my neck unless i'm pg,sore boobs and i gagged when i tried to eat a cheese and onion pasty. the cheese tasted really horrid. also felt a sharp pain in my right hand side close to my womb which i think was implantation faint line on a sure sign test that night.
8dpo-sore boobs again and tiredness felt sorry for jason as hes not had a lie in this week as i have been too tired to get up.now i know why lol. faint line on a sure sign test.
9dpo-boobs hurt even more,tiredness really kicking in couldnt sleep got too hot and couldnt find a comfy position hoping its not like this all the time!,weeing lots seem every 5 mins i need to go again.stretching pains felt like af was coming.faint line on a reveal test and a superdrug test
10dpo- boobs still hurt, tiredness even worse couldnt get comfy and so was awake most of the night tossing and turning.constipation quite badly feel really sore,still weeing lots,more stretching cramps and really really hot.another faint line on a superdrug test.
11dpo (today!)- really hot normally am really cold and have duvet over me and heating on but have taken duvet off me as too hot,hunger panes possibly due to only having some toast as too tired to go out and get some shopping,weeing even more bladder feels constantly full all the time.feel bloated too! darker line on superdrug test,faint line on first response and faint line on a cheapy.
so thats it so far really hope that this baby sticks! will update tomorow when i do the digi x
what a week its been as well!
we did it we got our bfp!!!!! wasnt so sure about this month and thought was out. but at 8dpo i got a faint line. told myself not to be so silly and it was an evap line but after using several tests everyday and seeing more lines it must be true!
i can't beleive it! i'm in denial at the moment i think. probably my subconcious protecting me if the worst happens but i am staying positive and not thinking about it too much as want to relax with this pregnancy and enjoy it even if it does end too early again.
even better news my best friend whos daughter is 5 days older then charlotte is pg again too and due in the same month!!! its madness! also a ttc friend got her bfp also so am in good company and feel it must be a sign everythings ok with my baby.
going to do a digi tomorow and think it will sink in for me when i see those pregnant words.just hoping theres enough hormones to detect it.
i'm hoping after having a lovely start to the new year that 2009 will only get better and better.
symptoms so far are:
7dpo- got a spot on my neck i never get them on my neck unless i'm pg,sore boobs and i gagged when i tried to eat a cheese and onion pasty. the cheese tasted really horrid. also felt a sharp pain in my right hand side close to my womb which i think was implantation faint line on a sure sign test that night.
8dpo-sore boobs again and tiredness felt sorry for jason as hes not had a lie in this week as i have been too tired to get up.now i know why lol. faint line on a sure sign test.
9dpo-boobs hurt even more,tiredness really kicking in couldnt sleep got too hot and couldnt find a comfy position hoping its not like this all the time!,weeing lots seem every 5 mins i need to go again.stretching pains felt like af was coming.faint line on a reveal test and a superdrug test
10dpo- boobs still hurt, tiredness even worse couldnt get comfy and so was awake most of the night tossing and turning.constipation quite badly feel really sore,still weeing lots,more stretching cramps and really really hot.another faint line on a superdrug test.
11dpo (today!)- really hot normally am really cold and have duvet over me and heating on but have taken duvet off me as too hot,hunger panes possibly due to only having some toast as too tired to go out and get some shopping,weeing even more bladder feels constantly full all the time.feel bloated too! darker line on superdrug test,faint line on first response and faint line on a cheapy.
so thats it so far really hope that this baby sticks! will update tomorow when i do the digi x
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