its christmas!

not posted in a while as been busy busy with the festive fun.

it was my babys due date 3 days ago and found it quite hard to get through the day but i managed it with the help of my gorgeous family.

christmas day was such a fab day. was lovely to watch the girls open their presents and see what they got. every now and again you would hear a wowww! from hollie bless her!

we went to my mums for xmas dinner which was fun. had a few drinks and played on guitar hero with my brothers who were both dressed up as santa. the girls had a whale of a time too playing with kayleigh and their new toys from off their grandma and uncles. typically dean and jason were drinking lots and jason went to bed an hour after we got in leaving me to cosy on the sofa watching csi.

its now boxing day and i'm 4dpo 5 days til i can test. really hope i get my bfp. think we have done it this month. i feel different can't put my finger on it. like i have a new found positive aura around me thats telling me i'm pregnant. just hope that af doesnt show and put me in a miserable mood. did a test yesterday just for fun to post online and got a nice evap line.

not sure when i will write again maybe in a couple of days when i start symptom spotting so can write them down lol.

not long til 2009 starts and hope its a better year then this one has been. x

gloomy times

well the past couple of days havent been so good for me. not only am i trying to handle the fact that my due date is coming up and i have no baby to take home after it but me and jason had a falling out over ttc. i thought i got what was a + opk a few days ago and of course wanted to make sure i didnt miss the boat but jason has been working 12 hour shifts and so friday night he was too tired. i got so upset and those tears i was desperately trying not to cry suddenly came flooding out.

i know jason doesnt want another baby as much as i do and i wish he could feel the pain i feel and see how important it is to me to be pregnant again. he doesn't feel it the way i do which i guess is natural since its not his body that has had to go through it but it would be nice if he could sympathise with me once in a while.

we are ok now and looks like i am definately ovulating as got a really dark opk today! and jason has no excuses now as he has 6 days off work.so fingers crossed this is our month and 2009 is a better year for us

feeling quite positive that this cycle i might actually get a bfp just hope i'm not setting myself up for a big fall. am due around the 3rd of jan but think will test on new years eve as be nice to see in the new year with a bfp and if bfn then i can allow myself a drink or 2.

been feeling quite sentimental recently thinking about the good old days when i was younger. been missing some of my friends and have found one of them on fb bit of a blast from the past. hes been in my thoughts alot. i met him when i was 16 at the place i worked and we grew very close and he was one of my bestest friends. i was gutted when he left to go to south africa and i really missed him. just hope he accepts my friend request as be nice to catch up with him.

on a positive note not long til christmas day. am getting so excited for the girls now can't wait to see their faces on christmas day when they see all the presents they have got. what makes me smile seeing their little faces light up and hear their laughter. so glad i have them to get me through all the heartache life has thrown at me this past year.

so thats it for now will write again soon. x

so the marathon begins!

well since i last posted i've not been feeling too well. i have a sore tooth and gum and dragged myself to the dentists. apparently i have a swollen gum and an x-ray showed a cavity in my tooth. the dentist prescribed me antibiotics for it as i am petrified of needles and i avoid them like the plague! so hopefully they will work otherwise a dreaded root canal for me. thankfully the pain has lessened and only gets worse when a) i talk to much or b) i'm telling one or both of my daughters off for being naughty.

today has been a pretty good day really. when charlotte went for her afternoon nap me and hollie made some colourful glittery christmas decorations to hang on the 3ft tree we bought (which is now hollies tree) as we found it too small and ended up getting a 6ft tree instead. it was nice to spend quality time with her as dont get to do it much these days and we had fun getting messy.

another new years resoloution, try to find the time to have some quality time with hollie! that list is getting rather big but shall post said list in the new year.

on ttc news today i have noticed that i am entering my fertile period which is rather annyoing since jason is working for the next 4 days so hoping that egg will hold on for a bit longer before popping as after those 4 days he is off for 6 so plenty of time for babymaking then! sods law that it has to happen earlier then normal this cycle and all other times it happens later.

thankfully no positive opk yet and touch wood i wont get one for another 2 days or so.

feeling really upbeat about this month and think the relaxed approach is doing me the world of good as not as stressed out as i have been in previous months. though that could be down to the fact jason is around more so i dont have time to really stress about it.

i think if we are not successful this month then next month i might buy myself a clearblue monitor as those things are fab!

did have a bit of a depressing moment earlier. i use several forums on a paticular website and have done for over 3 years now. they are always advertising vacancies for what i guess are similar to moderators and i've applied many times in the past. everytime i apply someone else gets it and it really saddens me especially when its something i feel so passionately about like fertility/infertility/misscarriage/pregnancy as i hope to become a gynecologist or fertility specialist in the future and feel that it would benefit me. plus the friends i have made on there are friends for life and want to give something back to such a wonderful community but i guess its never going to happen for me. sometimes i feel like leaving there for good but i know i would miss it too much so i'm just plodding along and not going to apply anymore as that way i cant get hurt when i dont get it.

so thats today in a rather large nutshell. will be sure to update in a day or so on my mission to get my very much wanted 3rd healthy take home baby.

my first post

well i decided one of my new years resolutions was to keep a diary of some sort to write down how i'm feeling and my journey into ttc our 3rd very much wanted baby. so i decided why not start a blog instead much easier then a diary. so here i am writing my first blog (thought may as well start now).

so my story so far.

i met my wonderful fiance in 2004 and after a year of being together we decided to ttc a baby. 7 months later we got engaged and a month after that i found out we were expecting and we had our gorgeous daughter hollie in june 2006.

when she was born we fell in love with her and decided we wanted to have another baby so when she was a couple of months old we started ttc again and when she was 8 months old i found out we were expecting another baby.

in oct 2007 our 2nd and equally gorgeous daughter was born whom we named charlotte.

life was good until she was 2 months old. my relationship with my fiance jason had took a turn for the worst and when she was 4 months old we split up. gradually we worked on trying to make it better and to our suprise found out we were expecting our 3rd baby. after the shock had settled in i was over the moon and hoped this was the fresh start we both needed.

sadly at 8 weeks i started bleeding and a scan the next day comfirmed we had lost our baby. the grief and pain i felt was like no other and i stupidly pushed jason away which to this day i regret doing. i guess at the time it was my way of coping. jason had missed the scan as he had to drop our girls off at my mums and i think i felt he hadnt been there for me then why should he be there for me after.

once the pain eased a little i was eager to ttc (though the baby i had lost was unplanned i didnt love it any less then my 2 daughters and i had got used to the idea of having a new baby around). jason wasnt so sure on ttc but agreed as he wanted to see me happy. 6 weeks later i was pg again. i thought things were on the up for us but just 2 weeks after finding out jason dropped a bombshell on me saying he was unhappy and didnt know if he wanted to be with me.

i was heartbroken! for 2 weeks he had pretended everything was fine but when i told him i was pg he didnt have the heart to tell me and so pretended he was ok. we had a long chat and he agreed to try and give it a go and if he was still unhappy he would leave. things seemed to get better though he was really distant with me and i couldnt work out what i had done. it started eating me up inside and one night i couldnt take it anymore and checked his emails for clues to why he was acting the way he was. i was shocked to what i had found.

him and a fellow work collegue had been sending intimate emails to each other. of course i confronted jason and he promised me there was nothing going on and that they were just good friends. i couldnt believe him, it all slotted into place. these emails were sent around the time he told me he was unhappy and it all made sense the distance he was keeping between us,the late nights staying up while i laid in bed wondering what i had done wrong. at first i wasnt sure i could carry on being with him regardless of whether he was telling the truth he had knocked my confidence and i was at an all time low. i think the day after i had a nervous breakdown i laid on the floor sobbing my heart out cuddling my children and asking what i had done to deserve this pain.

3 days later i went for a scan to see how many weeks pg i was. jason at the time was 30 miles away staying with a friend so we could both have some space but he promised me he would be there at the scan. it got to 11am and still no sign of him and had to go for my scan alone (though had my girls with me). at first i didnt want to look at the screen but as soon as she started scanning me i had to look. my baby looked perfect and so beautiful and for a second i thought all was ok until i heard the sonographer say those words i didnt want to hear. my baby had no h/b. i broke down at first but those tears soon turned to anger. where was jason when i needed him the most i needed him there to comfort me. i phoned him and found out he had slept in and missed his train.my heart felt it was being torn in two but i managed to hide my tears from the girls as i didnt want them seeing mummy so upset.especially hollie as she gets so concerned when she sees me cry.

if i thought losing my first baby was bad this time round was even worse. i found the pain unbearable knowing that i was still pregnant and still feeling pregnant but my baby had died. i was booked in for a eprc 2 days later. things were still rocky between me and jason and the night before the operation i really felt that things were over between us. some things were said that night by him that was unforgivable and to this day i still havent forgiven him.

the day of the operation i was tired,emotionally drained and scared of what was to come.part of me wanted to run away i didnt want my baby taken away from me but i also knew i couldnt go through with waiting for it to happen naturally.

the operation went well though and not as scary as i imagined.afterwards i felt at peace and that i could move on.

i think that day was the turning point for me and jason something inside us clicked and we realised our relationship was too good to throw away so we started a fresh.

its not been an easy road since then. after i lost our 2nd baby i feel into a depression made even worse by the fact that jason didnt want to ttc again incase we had to go through another loss. but i knew no matter how much heartache and pain i went through i longed to be a mummy again. we talked and talked and after a while jason changed his mind. after that things got easier and my depression started to lift. though i still have my bad days.

its taken a while for me to trust him again too but we are getting there. my confidence is still shattered but 2009 will be the making of me and i'm determined to get my confidence back and feel good about my self.

phew that was long but wanted to get it all down.

so right now i am in month 5 of ttc our longed for 3rd baby and hoping to ovulate around xmas day. though not sure if i will be in the right frame of mind as my 1st angels due date is on the 23rd but we'll see.

hopefully i will remember to write in this blog unlike previous diarys that have since gathered dust with only a few entries in them.

heres to a brighter 2009 for me and my little family.! x