well my angel jessica its been a week since we lost you. mummy misses you so so much i wish you didnt have to leave us. auntie ash came with ellie and stayed with us while daddy was at work so mummy wasn't alone and it has helped so much just having someone around to keep me company. the pain has gotten easier each day i know you were poorly and it was for the best but mummy misses being pg so much. mummys body thinks theres still a baby. my milk has come in yet i have no hungry baby to feed i wish i could have you here baby. i was looking forward to breastfeeding you as mummy enjoyed it so much with charlotte.
i just long to have a healthy baby and feel like i'm never going to get my much wanted 3rd baby you were my last hope. i know you left for a reason and if mummy could have you back she would but she knows you are gone and that i'll never get you back and so the yearning to be pg and be as happy as i was when i was carrying you is aching in my heart. i want to talk to your daddy but i know right now i won't hear what i want to hear and it will just hurt mummy more so i am carrying this burden on my own. am hoping once we get answers to why you left we might be able to start trying again not to replace you my darling as you are irreplaceable but just so we can have the family we dreamed of. the family we though we were going to get when i was pg with you jessica.
please know that mummy loves you very much. every night i look at your photo and say goodnight. every night i go to bed cuddling your blanket knowing you are there watching over me. you will always be my baby even though you are not here.
how i wish i could talk to your daddy. i dont want to push him away but right now i can't help it. if i talk to him and i dont like what he says i'll be more upset and i will push him even further away as i dont want to be hurting anymore then i am now but at the same time its so hard having to keep how i'm feeling to myself and feeling alone.
we still havent heard if your post-mortem has been done yet. i hope its soon princess mummy wants to have your funeral so we can say goodbye and lay you to rest. we have decided to have you cremated it was daddys wish and as he has done everything for me when we lost you i felt it only fair to give him his one wish. mummy has thought of music to have played but everything else she just cant concentrate on. we are having rev andrew marsden who baptised you to do your service and mummy is looking for some poems to be read out during it too. we hopefully will get your ashes so that when mummy and daddy have the money we shall get you buried and get you a headstone so we have somewhere to visit. mummy wishes she had the money to get you buried straight away but sadly we dont.
mummy is getting fed up of waiting to find out what was wrong with you. i've done alot of research so think i know what they will say but til then i feel like i'm in limbo. i know you were poorly but we wont have a diagnosis for at least another 7 weeks. it feels like an eternity away. mummy does hope she gets answers so that mummy can be at peace and also so if we do try again for another baby we can prevent what happened to you happening to your future brother/sister.
sometimes mummy feels angry that she wasnt able to have tests after she lost your siblings. maybe if she did your death could of been prevented. mummy feels so helpless.
i'm just babbling now but just need to get my feelings down somewhere and let you know that your always on mummys mind and i love you so so much! x
p.s mummy is getting a tattoo done on friday of your name and footprints mummy cant have you here on earth with you so your footprints etched on my skin for the rest of my life means you will be close.
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Saturday, 25 April 2009
your gone!
mummy hasnt updated in ages on here. i can't beleive i havent posted. i'm so sorry.
well as the title of this one says my darling angel you have gone to play with your siblings.
we had a scan at 17 weeks which showed you was a little girl our jessica. mummy wasnt sure that they had got the sex right so booked another scan for when i was 18+6 as it was free and wanted to make sure you was 100% girl before i bought anything. though i did get you 2 sweet little sleepsuits.
the day came to have the scan and thats when my nightmare began. the sonographer told me the words i didnt want to hear that your little heart had stopped beating and you was a poorly girl. you had something wrong with your brain and spine and you had fluid on your tummy. mummy will never forget the pain she felt when she heard those words at that moment i wanted to curl in a ball and join you but i knew for the sake of my girls your older sisters i couldnt oh how i wish i could though princess.
the next day we had to go into hospital and have another scan which confirmed that you had indeed passed away. mummy was then given a tablet and told to come back in two days to be induced. my heart was broken i was so scared! i didnt want to go through labour knowing i'd never get to see you breath or hear you cry. i was so scared to meet you as i knew you would be tiny.
those next 2 days passed in a blur of tears and extreme pain. your daddy was being so strong for mummy though he was hurting just as much as me.
the 21st april the day we went to be induced. the hardest day of my life a day i wish never had happened. we got to the hospital around 9.30 and around 10 i was given the first lot of tablets to bring you into this world. an hour or so later the pains started and i knew this was the beginning of the end. i couldnt bear it the emotional pain was so much harder to deal with then the physical pain. it wasnt long after that i was ready to push you out and at 1.34pm you was born into our world. the room was so quiet i willed for you to cry but no sound came out. i hugged your daddy and cried as you was taken away to be cleaned. i so wanted to see you but i knew i wasnt ready. i was scared to meet you.
the midwife took a photo of you and me and daddy looked at you. i felt so much love for you my princess my heart aches for you. not long after i felt ready to see you and when i did i cried so much. you was sooo perfect yet so tiny. you had your sister hollies blue eyes and you looked like charlotte. your little hands and toes were no bigger then my fingernail and you weighed 150g (around 5.2 oz) so so small. you were placed in a little moses basket next to me and i just sat stroking your face and your hands and wishing you hadnt gone. i was so scared to hold you as you were so tiny but knew i would regret not getting cuddles with my special little girl. so daddy picked you up and placed you in my hands. your back fitted into the palm of my hand and you were as light as a feather.
you were such a poorly girl and knew it was for the best that you had gone but it makes the pain in mummys heart no better. i wanted to spend as much time with you as possible but you had fluid on your brain which was slowly spreading to your face. you were so beautiful but i knew i had to say goodbye mummy couldnt bear to watch you deteriorate in front of mummys eyes and so after 5 precious hours together we said goodbye to you. i wish i could see you again and stroke your face if only for a moment.
we left with you a blanket your auntie ash bough you,a teddy bear of mummys that both your sisters have cuddled when they were babies so all our love is with you,a photo of mummy and daddy so your not alone,a painting of your sisters handprints so they could cuddle you in spirit and finally a drawing hollie did of all of us a family of 5.
i hope you know mummy and daddy loved you so very very much and not a day hasnt gone by when i wish we could have you back in our lifes.
mummy doesnt know how she is going to live without you. you were our miracle and i never thought for one moment that i would lose you.
i cherise the time we had together. seeing you at scans. feeling you move for the first time and then later on watching you wiggle in my tummy. hopefully in time mummy can focus on those special moments we had together.
my heart is torn princess i wish i knew why you had to leave. but mummy has to wait 6-8 agonizing weeks to find out why you were so poorly and its breaking mummys heart. she wants to know now so she can be at peace and try and move on from this pain. we are hoping it doesnt take long for the pathologist to do your postmortem so we can have your funeral.
mummy loves you my princess,my angel my everything. x
http://jessica-beard.gonetoosoon.org/
well as the title of this one says my darling angel you have gone to play with your siblings.
we had a scan at 17 weeks which showed you was a little girl our jessica. mummy wasnt sure that they had got the sex right so booked another scan for when i was 18+6 as it was free and wanted to make sure you was 100% girl before i bought anything. though i did get you 2 sweet little sleepsuits.
the day came to have the scan and thats when my nightmare began. the sonographer told me the words i didnt want to hear that your little heart had stopped beating and you was a poorly girl. you had something wrong with your brain and spine and you had fluid on your tummy. mummy will never forget the pain she felt when she heard those words at that moment i wanted to curl in a ball and join you but i knew for the sake of my girls your older sisters i couldnt oh how i wish i could though princess.
the next day we had to go into hospital and have another scan which confirmed that you had indeed passed away. mummy was then given a tablet and told to come back in two days to be induced. my heart was broken i was so scared! i didnt want to go through labour knowing i'd never get to see you breath or hear you cry. i was so scared to meet you as i knew you would be tiny.
those next 2 days passed in a blur of tears and extreme pain. your daddy was being so strong for mummy though he was hurting just as much as me.
the 21st april the day we went to be induced. the hardest day of my life a day i wish never had happened. we got to the hospital around 9.30 and around 10 i was given the first lot of tablets to bring you into this world. an hour or so later the pains started and i knew this was the beginning of the end. i couldnt bear it the emotional pain was so much harder to deal with then the physical pain. it wasnt long after that i was ready to push you out and at 1.34pm you was born into our world. the room was so quiet i willed for you to cry but no sound came out. i hugged your daddy and cried as you was taken away to be cleaned. i so wanted to see you but i knew i wasnt ready. i was scared to meet you.
the midwife took a photo of you and me and daddy looked at you. i felt so much love for you my princess my heart aches for you. not long after i felt ready to see you and when i did i cried so much. you was sooo perfect yet so tiny. you had your sister hollies blue eyes and you looked like charlotte. your little hands and toes were no bigger then my fingernail and you weighed 150g (around 5.2 oz) so so small. you were placed in a little moses basket next to me and i just sat stroking your face and your hands and wishing you hadnt gone. i was so scared to hold you as you were so tiny but knew i would regret not getting cuddles with my special little girl. so daddy picked you up and placed you in my hands. your back fitted into the palm of my hand and you were as light as a feather.
you were such a poorly girl and knew it was for the best that you had gone but it makes the pain in mummys heart no better. i wanted to spend as much time with you as possible but you had fluid on your brain which was slowly spreading to your face. you were so beautiful but i knew i had to say goodbye mummy couldnt bear to watch you deteriorate in front of mummys eyes and so after 5 precious hours together we said goodbye to you. i wish i could see you again and stroke your face if only for a moment.
we left with you a blanket your auntie ash bough you,a teddy bear of mummys that both your sisters have cuddled when they were babies so all our love is with you,a photo of mummy and daddy so your not alone,a painting of your sisters handprints so they could cuddle you in spirit and finally a drawing hollie did of all of us a family of 5.
i hope you know mummy and daddy loved you so very very much and not a day hasnt gone by when i wish we could have you back in our lifes.
mummy doesnt know how she is going to live without you. you were our miracle and i never thought for one moment that i would lose you.
i cherise the time we had together. seeing you at scans. feeling you move for the first time and then later on watching you wiggle in my tummy. hopefully in time mummy can focus on those special moments we had together.
my heart is torn princess i wish i knew why you had to leave. but mummy has to wait 6-8 agonizing weeks to find out why you were so poorly and its breaking mummys heart. she wants to know now so she can be at peace and try and move on from this pain. we are hoping it doesnt take long for the pathologist to do your postmortem so we can have your funeral.
mummy loves you my princess,my angel my everything. x
http://jessica-beard.gonetoosoon.org/
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