more heartbreak!

its been 4 weeks since i lost jessica and i havent been sleeping to well since i lost her and was hoping that once i got her results i could put closure on this and try and pick up the broken pieces of my life.

well i thought i would ring my consultant just to see if they were any closer to getting jessicas results. spoke to her secretary and she said that my consultant has looked at my notes and will be sending an appointment out but they dont see you until 6-8 weeks after the event (how nice to put it jessica was just an "event") so thought fair enough was worth a try.

she then proceeded to tell me that the postmortem results may take up to 4-6 months to come through depending on what they find! i was told in the hospital it would only take 6-8 weeks no one mentioned it might take longer! and as her postmortem was done quite quickly (her body was released just over a week after i had her) i thought they probably would have found something.

so now my heart is breaking all over again just as i was starting to feel a bit better i'm back to square one.i really dont think i can handle waiting that long. im a complete mess already god know how i'm going to be in a few months time if they dont come through.

on top of that i know that jason wont agree to ttc til we get the postmortem results and that too is breaking my heart. i was really hoping we could start ttc this year preferably before jessicas due date so i had something positive to focus on and now all that hope has gone. i really cant bear to wait 4-6 months to start trying again its too long.

i'm worried i'll start resenting df as right now hes the only person who can help ease that pain a bit by agreeing to ttc and i know if i have to wait that long i dont think our relationship will cope as i will push him away and hate him for not letting me have that bit of happiness that can help heal the pain in my heart.

oh its all such a big mess! why did she have to go and leave me so unhappy. i just want that happiness back and i'm not going to get it any time soon.

can't sleep

i cant sleep yet again i thought i was doing really well but all this waiting is tearing me up inside.

jessica why did you have to leave me mummy really misses you and my heart is broken into pieces mummy cant stop crying. she really wanted a hug off daddy but he was asleep and he didnt even wake hearing me cry so i've come downstairs to write here in the hope i might feel a bit better.

we were so happy when we knew you were in my tummy. the best day of my life was when you was kicking like crazy in my stomach and i was stood watching my belly move with you. it was magical and amazing and i want that back i want you back and i cant and its killing me and i don't know if i ever will get that back either. i know daddy was talking to pops on the phone the other day and i'm sure he asked daddy if we were going to try again and he said maybe in a year or two. i dont think i can wait that long. mummy misses you so much and wants you back to mend the hole in my heart but i know thats never going to happen. wanting another baby isn't to replace you princess but to bring some of that happiness i felt when carrying you in my tummy. another baby wont fill that gap in my heart it wont ever get fixed but it will help heal it over time. i wish your daddy could understand how much i'm hurting and how much i wanted to be a mummy again and now i dont think i will get to hold the much wanted baby in my arms again.

mummy was looking forward to your sisters having a new playmate and imagined how much fun we would all have all us girls playing together and when you all were older doing girly things like shopping and watching girly films and you arent going to be a part of that anymore. those dreams have been shattered.

i cant bear to talk to ashley anymore because each time i do she mentions something about her baby and it brings it back to me that your not here that it should be me saying those things too and i'm not. instead i just get upset and jealous. i dont want to push her away and lose her friendship as she means so much to me shes the bestest friend mummy has ever had but i cant bear to see her happy when i'm so sad and miserable.

i wish i knew why i have had so much heartache over this past year i must of done something really bad in a former life to have this. i feel like its my own fault. ever since me and daddy split up last year its been bad news after bad news more heartache on top of heartache. jessica you were the one to make all that go away and not add to it. i feel like karma is playing a cruel trick on me for hurting your daddy so much. i didnt mean to hurt him back then mummy was so fed up and miserable it was the only way to make him see how much he was hurting me.

now i feel like we will end up splitting again. he wont open up to me about how hes feeling and shuts me out i know thats his way of coping but it just means we grieve separately when we should grieve together and i feel like we are getting further and further apart. i feel i cant say how i'm feeling and when i want to daddy is asleep. i cant help it if the only time i cry and get upset is when i'm laid in bed and my thoughts are the only thing keeping me company. he doesnt understand how i feel about wanting another baby and i'm scared that will bring a wedge between us too. all i want is to be happy! to have the family i always wanted and to be a mummy again to another precious child. i never dreamed that i would have 3 of those babies in heaven.

mummy cant wait til the day she meets you all again and sees your beautiful blue eyes. i fall in love with you the moment i saw you you were beautiful and so perfect and i wish we had more time together.mummy didnt want to let you go.

i love you jessica so so much and i miss you more everyday. i hope your having fun up there with your brother and sister and all the other angels.

play happily my princess. x

4 weeks have passed

well 4 weeks have passed since i lost my precious princess jessica. i miss her so much just wish she was back with me when life was happy and perfect.my whole world has shattered and i dont think i'll ever be happy again. i'm fed up of waiting for the results and have at least another 2-4 weeks left to wait its really driving me crazy i just want to know now so i can get some closure.

tried talking to jason again last night but it was pointless like it is everytime i talk to him yet he wonders why i dont. all i got from him was i know and i dont know what to say. ffs! say how you are feeling too. i feel like i'm the only one missing her and grieivng for her because in his words "he doesnt feel anything" yeah what a thing to say as i interpret that as i dont feel anything for jessica or that shes gone. i have so mucgh i want to say to him and i feel so alone and have to keep it to myself.

i'm trying my best to think positively for the future too but its hard. i'm holding onto the little bit of hope that one day we might try again and one day i will get another healthy baby but it seems everyone is against it. i know jason isnt too keen on the idea and i get the impression that neither is his family either. i know my mum probably wouldnt like the idea either. why can't no one see that i miss my baby so much i miss being pg so much and i dont even know if i'm ever going to get to experience that again. its the only thing right now that can help put a smile back on my face and fill the gap thats now left in my heart.

dont get me wrong my girls make me smile everyday and they help me so much but they already have places in my heart they can't fill that gap that another baby could. i wish i didnt feel like this i am so grateful to have my daughters but i always dreamed of having a big family i love being a mummy its the best thing i ever did the only thing i feel i'm really good at and thats been taken away from me 3 times now. when am i going to get my break and have a chance at happiness again.

me and jason decided to set a date for the wedding but that was just a pipedream as we cant afford to and dont think we will for a good few years yet. so now i cant even think about planning that to keep my mind off things.

why do bad things always happen to good people. i must of done horrible things in another life to have all the heartache and pain thrown at me. jessica deserved to be here she was sooooo wanted by us all now my daughter has been taken from me and jason a sister taken from the girls. they arent going to have another playmate to have fun with and they dont know any different since they are too young to understand. but i imagined this time next year having 3 little girls running around and its not going to happen.

i want my baby back!!!!! x

a send off fit for a princess

well thursday the 7th of may we said our final goodbyes to our princess. the service went lovely just how i imagined it.

we had r.e.m's everybody hurts playing as daddy carried you into the chapel as soon as we sat down mummy couldnt help but cry. your coffin was so tiny and i didnt want to say goodbye i wanted you back in my tummy where you belong.

it was an intimate service just me,daddy,hollie,charlotte grandma and my auntie toni.

reverand andrew did a lovely service and read out the poems mummy had chosen. afterwards mummy and daddy was left along with you and we took photos of you with your flowers from grandma and toni and your teddy that the mums from oct got you.

we then left the chapel and visited my auntie vicki's grave where your ashes will be buried and laid all the flowers there. hollie then let go of 5 balloons each one representing those 5 precious months we had with you. the balloons refused to fly though and your big sister chased after them. in the end the wind blew them across the grass and they were gone.

mummy is finding it so hard she still can't believe your gone.

mummy hates being so unhappy. i sent daddy an email telling him how i was feeling how much i was missing you and how much i just want to be pg again just so i can be happy again and daddy doesnt feel the same so mummy is more heartbroken why did you have to go and leave us and make mummy so unhappy. i know you were poorly and are no longer suffering and mummy is in pain so your not but its so hard.

i hope in time daddy might change his mind but i dont think he will and i'm not sure how i will cope if he doesnt.

i love you so so much jessica and wish you were back with us. x

struggling to cope

i'm finding things too hard why did my baby have to leave me? mummy misses her so much and my heart aches to have her back to hold her in my arms.

i finished all the plans for the funeral and in 2 days time i'm going to have to say goodbye to my precious girl and i shouldnt be. i dont know how i'm going to get through it.

i have so much going in in my head that i want to write down but i just cant get it out. the pain in my heart is too hard to bear. i never imagined i would lose jessica and it still feels like a nightmare i just want to wake up and have my bump back to feel my baby kicking again. i have so many friends who have recently had babies and are pregnant and its breaking my heart as i should be talking about pregnancy symptoms and planning the arrival of my daughter with them. i feel i dont belong anywhere anymore. i feel lost!

its breaking my heart knowing i probably wont get the chance to have another baby to feel those movements to see a baby on the scan and most of all have a healthy newborn in my arms to call my own.

my 2 daughters are growing up so quickly and i miss having a baby around. all i have ever wanted is to be a mother and have a big family and i'm never going to get the family i dreamed of.

why did this have to happen for the 3rd time and so far along i really really thought she was here to stay for keeps.

i know its for the best but it doesnt make it any easier. i would of loved her no matter what her problems she was our little miracle. i loved her from the start no matter how hard i tried not to get attached but how could i not. i was growing a life inside of me. part of me and jason another little girl who no doubt would of been just like her sisters gorgeous and cheeky.

i hate this emptiness i feel. i hate feeling on my own as i cant talk to the one person i want to turn to. i really want to talk to jason and not carry on hiding my feelings but i just cant. i hardly see him when hes working and on his days off we are both too busy with the girls to spend time together and when they are in bed hes usually on his xbox so i feel i have to just carry on and not show my emotions.

i really dont want thursday to come i know as soon as i see her coffin i will break down. she shouldnt be there she should be in my tummy where its safe and warm. i only hope shes being well looked after in the clouds til i can meet her and my other angels one day.

when is my luck going to change i dont know what i've done to deserve all this heartahe its so unfair! x

to jessica i miss you more with each day that passes i'll never forget your gorgeous blue eyes and your blonde eyebrows or your tiny hands and toes. i wish i could hold you again just one last time and tell you how much i love you. i hope you do know that i love you so very very much and you will always be my special girl. keep watching over us and look after us and try and help heal mummys broken heart. x

heartbroken

well its been nearly 2 weeks since i lost my angel jessica and i still miss her so much. the pain is easing as time goes on but my heat aches to hear her heartbeat again to feel her kick my heart aches for my baby one i'll never get to hold again,never see her smile,or talk or hear i say i love you mummy! i feel so empty my baby should be in my tummy yet shes now in heaven.

i dont know what i have done to deserve such sadness in my life. 2008 was the wost year of my life and thought 2009 would be the happiest with the arrival of jessica but that was shattered too and so 2009 is going to be filled with more tears,sadness and pain.

i'm trying to be so strong for my daughters and for jason i keep the tears away til they are all asleep and then i cry for my baby. jessica was my last hope of ever having another baby and she was snatched away. it hurts so much. all i ever wanted is another healthy baby to complete our family and my dream has been shattered again.why! why me why us. i should be 21 weeks pg now counting down the weeks til my babys arrival not mourning jessicas death .

i love jessica so much and i know she isnt coming back as much as i want her to. i feel so empty and all i want is to be pg again just to feel as happy as i was when i was carrying jessica and i know i'm never going to get it. i cant talk to jason about it i already know what he will say and i know my heart will break even more. i wish men could expereince what it feels like to be pregnant to have such a strong bond with your baby from the moment you find out,to feeling those special kicks and knowing you body is carrying such a precious gift. i know he wont understand how i feel. the moment i felt jessica kick for the first time was one of my happiest times with her. i was in awe of he moving around seeing my stomach move with her. i had the biggest grin on my face and i never felt happier. i want that happiness back i dont want all this heartache i've been burden with.

its only 3 days to her funeral and i dont want to say goodbye i want her back in my tummy where she belongs.

i want this pain to go away! x

to jessica i love you so so much and know you are at peach and painfree but mummy wishes it wasnt so i miss you so vey much. my special little princess x