heartbroken

well its been nearly 2 weeks since i lost my angel jessica and i still miss her so much. the pain is easing as time goes on but my heat aches to hear her heartbeat again to feel her kick my heart aches for my baby one i'll never get to hold again,never see her smile,or talk or hear i say i love you mummy! i feel so empty my baby should be in my tummy yet shes now in heaven.

i dont know what i have done to deserve such sadness in my life. 2008 was the wost year of my life and thought 2009 would be the happiest with the arrival of jessica but that was shattered too and so 2009 is going to be filled with more tears,sadness and pain.

i'm trying to be so strong for my daughters and for jason i keep the tears away til they are all asleep and then i cry for my baby. jessica was my last hope of ever having another baby and she was snatched away. it hurts so much. all i ever wanted is another healthy baby to complete our family and my dream has been shattered again.why! why me why us. i should be 21 weeks pg now counting down the weeks til my babys arrival not mourning jessicas death .

i love jessica so much and i know she isnt coming back as much as i want her to. i feel so empty and all i want is to be pg again just to feel as happy as i was when i was carrying jessica and i know i'm never going to get it. i cant talk to jason about it i already know what he will say and i know my heart will break even more. i wish men could expereince what it feels like to be pregnant to have such a strong bond with your baby from the moment you find out,to feeling those special kicks and knowing you body is carrying such a precious gift. i know he wont understand how i feel. the moment i felt jessica kick for the first time was one of my happiest times with her. i was in awe of he moving around seeing my stomach move with her. i had the biggest grin on my face and i never felt happier. i want that happiness back i dont want all this heartache i've been burden with.

its only 3 days to her funeral and i dont want to say goodbye i want her back in my tummy where she belongs.

i want this pain to go away! x

to jessica i love you so so much and know you are at peach and painfree but mummy wishes it wasnt so i miss you so vey much. my special little princess x