4 weeks have passed

well 4 weeks have passed since i lost my precious princess jessica. i miss her so much just wish she was back with me when life was happy and perfect.my whole world has shattered and i dont think i'll ever be happy again. i'm fed up of waiting for the results and have at least another 2-4 weeks left to wait its really driving me crazy i just want to know now so i can get some closure.

tried talking to jason again last night but it was pointless like it is everytime i talk to him yet he wonders why i dont. all i got from him was i know and i dont know what to say. ffs! say how you are feeling too. i feel like i'm the only one missing her and grieivng for her because in his words "he doesnt feel anything" yeah what a thing to say as i interpret that as i dont feel anything for jessica or that shes gone. i have so mucgh i want to say to him and i feel so alone and have to keep it to myself.

i'm trying my best to think positively for the future too but its hard. i'm holding onto the little bit of hope that one day we might try again and one day i will get another healthy baby but it seems everyone is against it. i know jason isnt too keen on the idea and i get the impression that neither is his family either. i know my mum probably wouldnt like the idea either. why can't no one see that i miss my baby so much i miss being pg so much and i dont even know if i'm ever going to get to experience that again. its the only thing right now that can help put a smile back on my face and fill the gap thats now left in my heart.

dont get me wrong my girls make me smile everyday and they help me so much but they already have places in my heart they can't fill that gap that another baby could. i wish i didnt feel like this i am so grateful to have my daughters but i always dreamed of having a big family i love being a mummy its the best thing i ever did the only thing i feel i'm really good at and thats been taken away from me 3 times now. when am i going to get my break and have a chance at happiness again.

me and jason decided to set a date for the wedding but that was just a pipedream as we cant afford to and dont think we will for a good few years yet. so now i cant even think about planning that to keep my mind off things.

why do bad things always happen to good people. i must of done horrible things in another life to have all the heartache and pain thrown at me. jessica deserved to be here she was sooooo wanted by us all now my daughter has been taken from me and jason a sister taken from the girls. they arent going to have another playmate to have fun with and they dont know any different since they are too young to understand. but i imagined this time next year having 3 little girls running around and its not going to happen.

i want my baby back!!!!! x