can't sleep

i cant sleep yet again i thought i was doing really well but all this waiting is tearing me up inside.

jessica why did you have to leave me mummy really misses you and my heart is broken into pieces mummy cant stop crying. she really wanted a hug off daddy but he was asleep and he didnt even wake hearing me cry so i've come downstairs to write here in the hope i might feel a bit better.

we were so happy when we knew you were in my tummy. the best day of my life was when you was kicking like crazy in my stomach and i was stood watching my belly move with you. it was magical and amazing and i want that back i want you back and i cant and its killing me and i don't know if i ever will get that back either. i know daddy was talking to pops on the phone the other day and i'm sure he asked daddy if we were going to try again and he said maybe in a year or two. i dont think i can wait that long. mummy misses you so much and wants you back to mend the hole in my heart but i know thats never going to happen. wanting another baby isn't to replace you princess but to bring some of that happiness i felt when carrying you in my tummy. another baby wont fill that gap in my heart it wont ever get fixed but it will help heal it over time. i wish your daddy could understand how much i'm hurting and how much i wanted to be a mummy again and now i dont think i will get to hold the much wanted baby in my arms again.

mummy was looking forward to your sisters having a new playmate and imagined how much fun we would all have all us girls playing together and when you all were older doing girly things like shopping and watching girly films and you arent going to be a part of that anymore. those dreams have been shattered.

i cant bear to talk to ashley anymore because each time i do she mentions something about her baby and it brings it back to me that your not here that it should be me saying those things too and i'm not. instead i just get upset and jealous. i dont want to push her away and lose her friendship as she means so much to me shes the bestest friend mummy has ever had but i cant bear to see her happy when i'm so sad and miserable.

i wish i knew why i have had so much heartache over this past year i must of done something really bad in a former life to have this. i feel like its my own fault. ever since me and daddy split up last year its been bad news after bad news more heartache on top of heartache. jessica you were the one to make all that go away and not add to it. i feel like karma is playing a cruel trick on me for hurting your daddy so much. i didnt mean to hurt him back then mummy was so fed up and miserable it was the only way to make him see how much he was hurting me.

now i feel like we will end up splitting again. he wont open up to me about how hes feeling and shuts me out i know thats his way of coping but it just means we grieve separately when we should grieve together and i feel like we are getting further and further apart. i feel i cant say how i'm feeling and when i want to daddy is asleep. i cant help it if the only time i cry and get upset is when i'm laid in bed and my thoughts are the only thing keeping me company. he doesnt understand how i feel about wanting another baby and i'm scared that will bring a wedge between us too. all i want is to be happy! to have the family i always wanted and to be a mummy again to another precious child. i never dreamed that i would have 3 of those babies in heaven.

mummy cant wait til the day she meets you all again and sees your beautiful blue eyes. i fall in love with you the moment i saw you you were beautiful and so perfect and i wish we had more time together.mummy didnt want to let you go.

i love you jessica so so much and i miss you more everyday. i hope your having fun up there with your brother and sister and all the other angels.

play happily my princess. x