Mummys sad :(

well today has been a year since my 2nd angel had to go. mummy is so miserable and has spent most of the day in bed. i was meant to go out tonight but mummy feels too rotten and couldnt afford it so that has added to my horrible mood. am fed up of waiting for ov too i hate having long cycles and think i might speak to my consultant about it as it really gets me down just want to be normal and have a decent cycle length like everyone else :(

i miss my angels so much and its so unfair i have to go through all this pain when others just sail through their pregnancies. yet more announcements have been made and i'm seriously contemplating taking a break away from the internet as i know there is more to come and its going to get harder and harder for me and i can't bear it.

all i want is to be happy again and my stupid body just wont give me that happiness!

some good news!

i really must remember to write in here more often but like i said in my previous post i try to stay away from the internet as much as possible these days though am going to be around more.

so our good news! we are offically ttc again! i knew jason was a bit wary but when af turned up and he saw how upset i was he agreed to try again. so hopefully this time round all will go well as i will be under consultant care and hopefully get treatment to ensure our next baby sticks. all i want is another healthy baby to complete our family and i really hope that dream does come true. so hopefully i'll be online more to update on here of how things are going.

so i'm currently on cd14 one week to go til i ovulate and just over a week til my next consultants appointment where hopefully i will get my results back from the blood clotting tests.

our wedding plans are coming on brilliantly and i am sooo looking forward to becoming mrs beard though its going to sound so strange having my last name as beard!

have found my dress and the girls flowergirls dresses and be booking the hotel on the 3rd then the registrars and the reception venue at the end of oct so lots of planning for me to do. its all exciting.

missing jessica so much though its getting so much harder as her due date creeps up and there being so many pregnancy announcements and i know theres even more to come :( i wish she had held on til she was 24 weeks maybe there could of been something that could of been done to save her. i just cant believe that she was perfect and yet we lost her it doesnt make sense. how can a healthy babys heart suddenly stop beating its not fair.

to jessica mummy loves you so much princess and i hope you know that we arent ttc to replace you you are irreplaceable and will always have a special place in mummys heart. mummy just wants to be able to smile again and have the same happiness back i had when pg with you. i'll never ever forget you and though mummy doesnt cry for you as much it doesnt meant to say i dont think about you because i do your always there in my mind mummy doesnt want to cry anymore or be sad especially because your sisters see the sadness and tears in my eyes and it makes them worry. i miss you and i love you so so very much. wish you were still in my tummy! x

not written here in a while been trying to stay away from the internet as much as possible as it just hurts so much seeing my friends so happy and talking about their pregnancies when i no longer have jessica.

so a lot has happened since i last wrote a message.

we finally got jessicas results back and my princess was perfect in everyway! i'm not sure if they have got the genetic tests back yet but from the postmortem there was nothing wrong with her so god knows why the scan picked up problems! its confused the hell out of me thats for sure.

we have also started recurrent misscarriage tests and was hoping after these we can ttc again. we go back in 4 weeks and hopefully get those results. though jason was told his might take 2-3 months something which i couldnt bear. i was really hoping to start trying again before jessicas due date as i know getting through my 2 other angels due dates were helped by being pg with jessica and i know its going to be so painful if it comes to the 13th of sept and all i have is emtpy arms and a broken heart.

jason can't seem to see this and as a result i refuse to talk to him anymore. he doesnt understand how much i'm hurting inside i may not show it on the outside all the time but inside i am a broken woman. having my 2 gorgeous girls are the only things keeping me going. but they cant heal the broken heart and the emptiness now in my heart. both of them are so grown up now hollie turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and is no longer my toddler and charlotte seems to be getting bigger by the day and no longer my baby :( i yearn to be a mother again and hold a newborn in my arms another precious child to call my own and i don't have that!

i dont know if i can wait another 2-3 months my heart yearns for another baby so much and i get so frustrated that i can't do anything about it. i just wish jason could see the pain in my eyes!

on a positive note though me and jason have set a date to get married on halloween 2010. i wanted it this year but my plans were thwarted when jason pointed out it was too short notice for his family. it broke my heart a little as i thought it would be nice to do it this year again to give me something positive to focus on after whats going to be a hard month in sept.

story of my life i guess nothing ever goes how i want it to. theres always something that comes along to spoil things. so now we are waiting just over a year to get married instead.

oh i dont know i'm close to tears now i just wish things were different. i wish jason was more supportive and loving when i am down but instead he acts like he doesnt notice mainly because hes too busy on his xbox to think about me. though the other day a friend upset me when i was talking about trying again and he saw tears down my face and asked what was wrong but like i said earlier i just cant talk to him no more as he doesnt understand the pain i feel of losing jessica and now i'm having to wait to try again.

i don't want to be sad anymore i just want to be happy again and jason holds the key to my happiness hes just not willing to share that key with me and open up my happiness once again.

to jessica my angel! mummy misses you each and everyday!! every night i look into the sky and find the brightest star and know its you looking down on me. i can't understand why you left us when you were perfect and wish you were here and making mummy happy you belong with mummy not with the other angels. you were meant to be and you are not here. you made mummy feel whole again and now i feel lost! why princess did you have to go when mummy loved you so much. i miss your kicks and miss you giving me horrid morning sickness. i would go through all that again in a heartbeat if it meant having you back. i would do anything to get you back but i never will and it makes mummy sad.

will try and write more in here when i can. x