not written here in a while been trying to stay away from the internet as much as possible as it just hurts so much seeing my friends so happy and talking about their pregnancies when i no longer have jessica.

so a lot has happened since i last wrote a message.

we finally got jessicas results back and my princess was perfect in everyway! i'm not sure if they have got the genetic tests back yet but from the postmortem there was nothing wrong with her so god knows why the scan picked up problems! its confused the hell out of me thats for sure.

we have also started recurrent misscarriage tests and was hoping after these we can ttc again. we go back in 4 weeks and hopefully get those results. though jason was told his might take 2-3 months something which i couldnt bear. i was really hoping to start trying again before jessicas due date as i know getting through my 2 other angels due dates were helped by being pg with jessica and i know its going to be so painful if it comes to the 13th of sept and all i have is emtpy arms and a broken heart.

jason can't seem to see this and as a result i refuse to talk to him anymore. he doesnt understand how much i'm hurting inside i may not show it on the outside all the time but inside i am a broken woman. having my 2 gorgeous girls are the only things keeping me going. but they cant heal the broken heart and the emptiness now in my heart. both of them are so grown up now hollie turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and is no longer my toddler and charlotte seems to be getting bigger by the day and no longer my baby :( i yearn to be a mother again and hold a newborn in my arms another precious child to call my own and i don't have that!

i dont know if i can wait another 2-3 months my heart yearns for another baby so much and i get so frustrated that i can't do anything about it. i just wish jason could see the pain in my eyes!

on a positive note though me and jason have set a date to get married on halloween 2010. i wanted it this year but my plans were thwarted when jason pointed out it was too short notice for his family. it broke my heart a little as i thought it would be nice to do it this year again to give me something positive to focus on after whats going to be a hard month in sept.

story of my life i guess nothing ever goes how i want it to. theres always something that comes along to spoil things. so now we are waiting just over a year to get married instead.

oh i dont know i'm close to tears now i just wish things were different. i wish jason was more supportive and loving when i am down but instead he acts like he doesnt notice mainly because hes too busy on his xbox to think about me. though the other day a friend upset me when i was talking about trying again and he saw tears down my face and asked what was wrong but like i said earlier i just cant talk to him no more as he doesnt understand the pain i feel of losing jessica and now i'm having to wait to try again.

i don't want to be sad anymore i just want to be happy again and jason holds the key to my happiness hes just not willing to share that key with me and open up my happiness once again.

to jessica my angel! mummy misses you each and everyday!! every night i look into the sky and find the brightest star and know its you looking down on me. i can't understand why you left us when you were perfect and wish you were here and making mummy happy you belong with mummy not with the other angels. you were meant to be and you are not here. you made mummy feel whole again and now i feel lost! why princess did you have to go when mummy loved you so much. i miss your kicks and miss you giving me horrid morning sickness. i would go through all that again in a heartbeat if it meant having you back. i would do anything to get you back but i never will and it makes mummy sad.

will try and write more in here when i can. x