struggling to cope

i'm finding things too hard why did my baby have to leave me? mummy misses her so much and my heart aches to have her back to hold her in my arms.

i finished all the plans for the funeral and in 2 days time i'm going to have to say goodbye to my precious girl and i shouldnt be. i dont know how i'm going to get through it.

i have so much going in in my head that i want to write down but i just cant get it out. the pain in my heart is too hard to bear. i never imagined i would lose jessica and it still feels like a nightmare i just want to wake up and have my bump back to feel my baby kicking again. i have so many friends who have recently had babies and are pregnant and its breaking my heart as i should be talking about pregnancy symptoms and planning the arrival of my daughter with them. i feel i dont belong anywhere anymore. i feel lost!

its breaking my heart knowing i probably wont get the chance to have another baby to feel those movements to see a baby on the scan and most of all have a healthy newborn in my arms to call my own.

my 2 daughters are growing up so quickly and i miss having a baby around. all i have ever wanted is to be a mother and have a big family and i'm never going to get the family i dreamed of.

why did this have to happen for the 3rd time and so far along i really really thought she was here to stay for keeps.

i know its for the best but it doesnt make it any easier. i would of loved her no matter what her problems she was our little miracle. i loved her from the start no matter how hard i tried not to get attached but how could i not. i was growing a life inside of me. part of me and jason another little girl who no doubt would of been just like her sisters gorgeous and cheeky.

i hate this emptiness i feel. i hate feeling on my own as i cant talk to the one person i want to turn to. i really want to talk to jason and not carry on hiding my feelings but i just cant. i hardly see him when hes working and on his days off we are both too busy with the girls to spend time together and when they are in bed hes usually on his xbox so i feel i have to just carry on and not show my emotions.

i really dont want thursday to come i know as soon as i see her coffin i will break down. she shouldnt be there she should be in my tummy where its safe and warm. i only hope shes being well looked after in the clouds til i can meet her and my other angels one day.

when is my luck going to change i dont know what i've done to deserve all this heartahe its so unfair! x

to jessica i miss you more with each day that passes i'll never forget your gorgeous blue eyes and your blonde eyebrows or your tiny hands and toes. i wish i could hold you again just one last time and tell you how much i love you. i hope you do know that i love you so very very much and you will always be my special girl. keep watching over us and look after us and try and help heal mummys broken heart. x