week on

well my angel jessica its been a week since we lost you. mummy misses you so so much i wish you didnt have to leave us. auntie ash came with ellie and stayed with us while daddy was at work so mummy wasn't alone and it has helped so much just having someone around to keep me company. the pain has gotten easier each day i know you were poorly and it was for the best but mummy misses being pg so much. mummys body thinks theres still a baby. my milk has come in yet i have no hungry baby to feed i wish i could have you here baby. i was looking forward to breastfeeding you as mummy enjoyed it so much with charlotte.

i just long to have a healthy baby and feel like i'm never going to get my much wanted 3rd baby you were my last hope. i know you left for a reason and if mummy could have you back she would but she knows you are gone and that i'll never get you back and so the yearning to be pg and be as happy as i was when i was carrying you is aching in my heart. i want to talk to your daddy but i know right now i won't hear what i want to hear and it will just hurt mummy more so i am carrying this burden on my own. am hoping once we get answers to why you left we might be able to start trying again not to replace you my darling as you are irreplaceable but just so we can have the family we dreamed of. the family we though we were going to get when i was pg with you jessica.

please know that mummy loves you very much. every night i look at your photo and say goodnight. every night i go to bed cuddling your blanket knowing you are there watching over me. you will always be my baby even though you are not here.

how i wish i could talk to your daddy. i dont want to push him away but right now i can't help it. if i talk to him and i dont like what he says i'll be more upset and i will push him even further away as i dont want to be hurting anymore then i am now but at the same time its so hard having to keep how i'm feeling to myself and feeling alone.

we still havent heard if your post-mortem has been done yet. i hope its soon princess mummy wants to have your funeral so we can say goodbye and lay you to rest. we have decided to have you cremated it was daddys wish and as he has done everything for me when we lost you i felt it only fair to give him his one wish. mummy has thought of music to have played but everything else she just cant concentrate on. we are having rev andrew marsden who baptised you to do your service and mummy is looking for some poems to be read out during it too. we hopefully will get your ashes so that when mummy and daddy have the money we shall get you buried and get you a headstone so we have somewhere to visit. mummy wishes she had the money to get you buried straight away but sadly we dont.

mummy is getting fed up of waiting to find out what was wrong with you. i've done alot of research so think i know what they will say but til then i feel like i'm in limbo. i know you were poorly but we wont have a diagnosis for at least another 7 weeks. it feels like an eternity away. mummy does hope she gets answers so that mummy can be at peace and also so if we do try again for another baby we can prevent what happened to you happening to your future brother/sister.

sometimes mummy feels angry that she wasnt able to have tests after she lost your siblings. maybe if she did your death could of been prevented. mummy feels so helpless.

i'm just babbling now but just need to get my feelings down somewhere and let you know that your always on mummys mind and i love you so so much! x

p.s mummy is getting a tattoo done on friday of your name and footprints mummy cant have you here on earth with you so your footprints etched on my skin for the rest of my life means you will be close.