your gone!

mummy hasnt updated in ages on here. i can't beleive i havent posted. i'm so sorry.

well as the title of this one says my darling angel you have gone to play with your siblings.

we had a scan at 17 weeks which showed you was a little girl our jessica. mummy wasnt sure that they had got the sex right so booked another scan for when i was 18+6 as it was free and wanted to make sure you was 100% girl before i bought anything. though i did get you 2 sweet little sleepsuits.

the day came to have the scan and thats when my nightmare began. the sonographer told me the words i didnt want to hear that your little heart had stopped beating and you was a poorly girl. you had something wrong with your brain and spine and you had fluid on your tummy. mummy will never forget the pain she felt when she heard those words at that moment i wanted to curl in a ball and join you but i knew for the sake of my girls your older sisters i couldnt oh how i wish i could though princess.

the next day we had to go into hospital and have another scan which confirmed that you had indeed passed away. mummy was then given a tablet and told to come back in two days to be induced. my heart was broken i was so scared! i didnt want to go through labour knowing i'd never get to see you breath or hear you cry. i was so scared to meet you as i knew you would be tiny.

those next 2 days passed in a blur of tears and extreme pain. your daddy was being so strong for mummy though he was hurting just as much as me.

the 21st april the day we went to be induced. the hardest day of my life a day i wish never had happened. we got to the hospital around 9.30 and around 10 i was given the first lot of tablets to bring you into this world. an hour or so later the pains started and i knew this was the beginning of the end. i couldnt bear it the emotional pain was so much harder to deal with then the physical pain. it wasnt long after that i was ready to push you out and at 1.34pm you was born into our world. the room was so quiet i willed for you to cry but no sound came out. i hugged your daddy and cried as you was taken away to be cleaned. i so wanted to see you but i knew i wasnt ready. i was scared to meet you.

the midwife took a photo of you and me and daddy looked at you. i felt so much love for you my princess my heart aches for you. not long after i felt ready to see you and when i did i cried so much. you was sooo perfect yet so tiny. you had your sister hollies blue eyes and you looked like charlotte. your little hands and toes were no bigger then my fingernail and you weighed 150g (around 5.2 oz) so so small. you were placed in a little moses basket next to me and i just sat stroking your face and your hands and wishing you hadnt gone. i was so scared to hold you as you were so tiny but knew i would regret not getting cuddles with my special little girl. so daddy picked you up and placed you in my hands. your back fitted into the palm of my hand and you were as light as a feather.

you were such a poorly girl and knew it was for the best that you had gone but it makes the pain in mummys heart no better. i wanted to spend as much time with you as possible but you had fluid on your brain which was slowly spreading to your face. you were so beautiful but i knew i had to say goodbye mummy couldnt bear to watch you deteriorate in front of mummys eyes and so after 5 precious hours together we said goodbye to you. i wish i could see you again and stroke your face if only for a moment.

we left with you a blanket your auntie ash bough you,a teddy bear of mummys that both your sisters have cuddled when they were babies so all our love is with you,a photo of mummy and daddy so your not alone,a painting of your sisters handprints so they could cuddle you in spirit and finally a drawing hollie did of all of us a family of 5.

i hope you know mummy and daddy loved you so very very much and not a day hasnt gone by when i wish we could have you back in our lifes.

mummy doesnt know how she is going to live without you. you were our miracle and i never thought for one moment that i would lose you.

i cherise the time we had together. seeing you at scans. feeling you move for the first time and then later on watching you wiggle in my tummy. hopefully in time mummy can focus on those special moments we had together.

my heart is torn princess i wish i knew why you had to leave. but mummy has to wait 6-8 agonizing weeks to find out why you were so poorly and its breaking mummys heart. she wants to know now so she can be at peace and try and move on from this pain. we are hoping it doesnt take long for the pathologist to do your postmortem so we can have your funeral.

mummy loves you my princess,my angel my everything. x

http://jessica-beard.gonetoosoon.org/