well i decided one of my new years resolutions was to keep a diary of some sort to write down how i'm feeling and my journey into ttc our 3rd very much wanted baby. so i decided why not start a blog instead much easier then a diary. so here i am writing my first blog (thought may as well start now).
so my story so far.
i met my wonderful fiance in 2004 and after a year of being together we decided to ttc a baby. 7 months later we got engaged and a month after that i found out we were expecting and we had our gorgeous daughter hollie in june 2006.
when she was born we fell in love with her and decided we wanted to have another baby so when she was a couple of months old we started ttc again and when she was 8 months old i found out we were expecting another baby.
in oct 2007 our 2nd and equally gorgeous daughter was born whom we named charlotte.
life was good until she was 2 months old. my relationship with my fiance jason had took a turn for the worst and when she was 4 months old we split up. gradually we worked on trying to make it better and to our suprise found out we were expecting our 3rd baby. after the shock had settled in i was over the moon and hoped this was the fresh start we both needed.
sadly at 8 weeks i started bleeding and a scan the next day comfirmed we had lost our baby. the grief and pain i felt was like no other and i stupidly pushed jason away which to this day i regret doing. i guess at the time it was my way of coping. jason had missed the scan as he had to drop our girls off at my mums and i think i felt he hadnt been there for me then why should he be there for me after.
once the pain eased a little i was eager to ttc (though the baby i had lost was unplanned i didnt love it any less then my 2 daughters and i had got used to the idea of having a new baby around). jason wasnt so sure on ttc but agreed as he wanted to see me happy. 6 weeks later i was pg again. i thought things were on the up for us but just 2 weeks after finding out jason dropped a bombshell on me saying he was unhappy and didnt know if he wanted to be with me.
i was heartbroken! for 2 weeks he had pretended everything was fine but when i told him i was pg he didnt have the heart to tell me and so pretended he was ok. we had a long chat and he agreed to try and give it a go and if he was still unhappy he would leave. things seemed to get better though he was really distant with me and i couldnt work out what i had done. it started eating me up inside and one night i couldnt take it anymore and checked his emails for clues to why he was acting the way he was. i was shocked to what i had found.
him and a fellow work collegue had been sending intimate emails to each other. of course i confronted jason and he promised me there was nothing going on and that they were just good friends. i couldnt believe him, it all slotted into place. these emails were sent around the time he told me he was unhappy and it all made sense the distance he was keeping between us,the late nights staying up while i laid in bed wondering what i had done wrong. at first i wasnt sure i could carry on being with him regardless of whether he was telling the truth he had knocked my confidence and i was at an all time low. i think the day after i had a nervous breakdown i laid on the floor sobbing my heart out cuddling my children and asking what i had done to deserve this pain.
3 days later i went for a scan to see how many weeks pg i was. jason at the time was 30 miles away staying with a friend so we could both have some space but he promised me he would be there at the scan. it got to 11am and still no sign of him and had to go for my scan alone (though had my girls with me). at first i didnt want to look at the screen but as soon as she started scanning me i had to look. my baby looked perfect and so beautiful and for a second i thought all was ok until i heard the sonographer say those words i didnt want to hear. my baby had no h/b. i broke down at first but those tears soon turned to anger. where was jason when i needed him the most i needed him there to comfort me. i phoned him and found out he had slept in and missed his train.my heart felt it was being torn in two but i managed to hide my tears from the girls as i didnt want them seeing mummy so upset.especially hollie as she gets so concerned when she sees me cry.
if i thought losing my first baby was bad this time round was even worse. i found the pain unbearable knowing that i was still pregnant and still feeling pregnant but my baby had died. i was booked in for a eprc 2 days later. things were still rocky between me and jason and the night before the operation i really felt that things were over between us. some things were said that night by him that was unforgivable and to this day i still havent forgiven him.
the day of the operation i was tired,emotionally drained and scared of what was to come.part of me wanted to run away i didnt want my baby taken away from me but i also knew i couldnt go through with waiting for it to happen naturally.
the operation went well though and not as scary as i imagined.afterwards i felt at peace and that i could move on.
i think that day was the turning point for me and jason something inside us clicked and we realised our relationship was too good to throw away so we started a fresh.
its not been an easy road since then. after i lost our 2nd baby i feel into a depression made even worse by the fact that jason didnt want to ttc again incase we had to go through another loss. but i knew no matter how much heartache and pain i went through i longed to be a mummy again. we talked and talked and after a while jason changed his mind. after that things got easier and my depression started to lift. though i still have my bad days.
its taken a while for me to trust him again too but we are getting there. my confidence is still shattered but 2009 will be the making of me and i'm determined to get my confidence back and feel good about my self.
phew that was long but wanted to get it all down.
so right now i am in month 5 of ttc our longed for 3rd baby and hoping to ovulate around xmas day. though not sure if i will be in the right frame of mind as my 1st angels due date is on the 23rd but we'll see.
hopefully i will remember to write in this blog unlike previous diarys that have since gathered dust with only a few entries in them.
heres to a brighter 2009 for me and my little family.! x
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