Wow I haven't posted on here since August and its now January. I took a bit of a break from the internet what with Jessicas due date being in September as I had a few friends virtual and real life ones due around then and found it hard to deal with.
Completely forgot about this blog and wish I had updated sooner. Bit too late now but shall post a long update tomorow x
Sunday 17 January 2010
Tuesday 4 August 2009
still no further!
well today we got results back from the hospital. my blood clotting ones were fine and jasons chromosomes were fine too. we are still waiting on my chromosome ones. doctor said they could take another 2 weeks or so and they will send me a letter out so probably be 3 weeks before i hear from them. doctor wasnt very helpful i asked what would happen next and she said she doesnt know what my consultant will be doing. yeah thanks for that sick of being palmed off by them all i want is to be able to move forward find out a careplan for when i next pg and have the reassurance i need that they will be looking after me especially more so since we have no answers as to why we have lost 3 beautiful angels.
on a positive note i got a positive opk yesterday so means i am ovulating finally. hoping its first month lucky for us would love to have an april baby even more so as i know jessica will be watching over us and making april a lucky month for us as well as a sad one. though if i am pg i would be due around her birthday so hopefully the midwifes would be sympathetic enough to induce me before then as i really dont want to give birth on jessicas birthday and take away her day.
so now begins the 2ww. hoping august is a lucky month for me as its my birthday month.my mum is taking me and the girls on a camping holiday as a birthday treat so be nice to be able to relax spend a bit of time with my mum and my daughters and get some fresh air.
decided that i shall be taking a break away from facebook and ivillage once i get back from camping well at least until sept has been and gone. probably still use the ttc boards and the llnd/rcm boards but that will be it.
feel so deflated at the minute i really dont know what to think about the results. its good they havent found anything yet but then we are no closer to getting reasons and there has to be an answer as to why we have lost 3 babies in a row there HAS to be right?! it can't just be one of those things maybe losing my first yes my second maybe was more bad luck but to lose jessica and so late on its not bad luck something must of gone wrong for me to lose a perfectly healthy baby.
just wish i could stop feeling like this. next month i would have been getting excited waiting for the birth my my 3rd much wanted daughter and i have nothing. just the hope that one day i will be a mother again to a healthy baby. i shouldnt have to be a mummy to 3 little angels they should be here with me. its so unfair.
on a positive note i got a positive opk yesterday so means i am ovulating finally. hoping its first month lucky for us would love to have an april baby even more so as i know jessica will be watching over us and making april a lucky month for us as well as a sad one. though if i am pg i would be due around her birthday so hopefully the midwifes would be sympathetic enough to induce me before then as i really dont want to give birth on jessicas birthday and take away her day.
so now begins the 2ww. hoping august is a lucky month for me as its my birthday month.my mum is taking me and the girls on a camping holiday as a birthday treat so be nice to be able to relax spend a bit of time with my mum and my daughters and get some fresh air.
decided that i shall be taking a break away from facebook and ivillage once i get back from camping well at least until sept has been and gone. probably still use the ttc boards and the llnd/rcm boards but that will be it.
feel so deflated at the minute i really dont know what to think about the results. its good they havent found anything yet but then we are no closer to getting reasons and there has to be an answer as to why we have lost 3 babies in a row there HAS to be right?! it can't just be one of those things maybe losing my first yes my second maybe was more bad luck but to lose jessica and so late on its not bad luck something must of gone wrong for me to lose a perfectly healthy baby.
just wish i could stop feeling like this. next month i would have been getting excited waiting for the birth my my 3rd much wanted daughter and i have nothing. just the hope that one day i will be a mother again to a healthy baby. i shouldnt have to be a mummy to 3 little angels they should be here with me. its so unfair.
Saturday 25 July 2009
Mummys sad :(
well today has been a year since my 2nd angel had to go. mummy is so miserable and has spent most of the day in bed. i was meant to go out tonight but mummy feels too rotten and couldnt afford it so that has added to my horrible mood. am fed up of waiting for ov too i hate having long cycles and think i might speak to my consultant about it as it really gets me down just want to be normal and have a decent cycle length like everyone else :(
i miss my angels so much and its so unfair i have to go through all this pain when others just sail through their pregnancies. yet more announcements have been made and i'm seriously contemplating taking a break away from the internet as i know there is more to come and its going to get harder and harder for me and i can't bear it.
all i want is to be happy again and my stupid body just wont give me that happiness!
i miss my angels so much and its so unfair i have to go through all this pain when others just sail through their pregnancies. yet more announcements have been made and i'm seriously contemplating taking a break away from the internet as i know there is more to come and its going to get harder and harder for me and i can't bear it.
all i want is to be happy again and my stupid body just wont give me that happiness!
Friday 24 July 2009
some good news!
i really must remember to write in here more often but like i said in my previous post i try to stay away from the internet as much as possible these days though am going to be around more.
so our good news! we are offically ttc again! i knew jason was a bit wary but when af turned up and he saw how upset i was he agreed to try again. so hopefully this time round all will go well as i will be under consultant care and hopefully get treatment to ensure our next baby sticks. all i want is another healthy baby to complete our family and i really hope that dream does come true. so hopefully i'll be online more to update on here of how things are going.
so i'm currently on cd14 one week to go til i ovulate and just over a week til my next consultants appointment where hopefully i will get my results back from the blood clotting tests.
our wedding plans are coming on brilliantly and i am sooo looking forward to becoming mrs beard though its going to sound so strange having my last name as beard!
have found my dress and the girls flowergirls dresses and be booking the hotel on the 3rd then the registrars and the reception venue at the end of oct so lots of planning for me to do. its all exciting.
missing jessica so much though its getting so much harder as her due date creeps up and there being so many pregnancy announcements and i know theres even more to come :( i wish she had held on til she was 24 weeks maybe there could of been something that could of been done to save her. i just cant believe that she was perfect and yet we lost her it doesnt make sense. how can a healthy babys heart suddenly stop beating its not fair.
to jessica mummy loves you so much princess and i hope you know that we arent ttc to replace you you are irreplaceable and will always have a special place in mummys heart. mummy just wants to be able to smile again and have the same happiness back i had when pg with you. i'll never ever forget you and though mummy doesnt cry for you as much it doesnt meant to say i dont think about you because i do your always there in my mind mummy doesnt want to cry anymore or be sad especially because your sisters see the sadness and tears in my eyes and it makes them worry. i miss you and i love you so so very much. wish you were still in my tummy! x
so our good news! we are offically ttc again! i knew jason was a bit wary but when af turned up and he saw how upset i was he agreed to try again. so hopefully this time round all will go well as i will be under consultant care and hopefully get treatment to ensure our next baby sticks. all i want is another healthy baby to complete our family and i really hope that dream does come true. so hopefully i'll be online more to update on here of how things are going.
so i'm currently on cd14 one week to go til i ovulate and just over a week til my next consultants appointment where hopefully i will get my results back from the blood clotting tests.
our wedding plans are coming on brilliantly and i am sooo looking forward to becoming mrs beard though its going to sound so strange having my last name as beard!
have found my dress and the girls flowergirls dresses and be booking the hotel on the 3rd then the registrars and the reception venue at the end of oct so lots of planning for me to do. its all exciting.
missing jessica so much though its getting so much harder as her due date creeps up and there being so many pregnancy announcements and i know theres even more to come :( i wish she had held on til she was 24 weeks maybe there could of been something that could of been done to save her. i just cant believe that she was perfect and yet we lost her it doesnt make sense. how can a healthy babys heart suddenly stop beating its not fair.
to jessica mummy loves you so much princess and i hope you know that we arent ttc to replace you you are irreplaceable and will always have a special place in mummys heart. mummy just wants to be able to smile again and have the same happiness back i had when pg with you. i'll never ever forget you and though mummy doesnt cry for you as much it doesnt meant to say i dont think about you because i do your always there in my mind mummy doesnt want to cry anymore or be sad especially because your sisters see the sadness and tears in my eyes and it makes them worry. i miss you and i love you so so very much. wish you were still in my tummy! x
Thursday 2 July 2009
not written here in a while been trying to stay away from the internet as much as possible as it just hurts so much seeing my friends so happy and talking about their pregnancies when i no longer have jessica.
so a lot has happened since i last wrote a message.
we finally got jessicas results back and my princess was perfect in everyway! i'm not sure if they have got the genetic tests back yet but from the postmortem there was nothing wrong with her so god knows why the scan picked up problems! its confused the hell out of me thats for sure.
we have also started recurrent misscarriage tests and was hoping after these we can ttc again. we go back in 4 weeks and hopefully get those results. though jason was told his might take 2-3 months something which i couldnt bear. i was really hoping to start trying again before jessicas due date as i know getting through my 2 other angels due dates were helped by being pg with jessica and i know its going to be so painful if it comes to the 13th of sept and all i have is emtpy arms and a broken heart.
jason can't seem to see this and as a result i refuse to talk to him anymore. he doesnt understand how much i'm hurting inside i may not show it on the outside all the time but inside i am a broken woman. having my 2 gorgeous girls are the only things keeping me going. but they cant heal the broken heart and the emptiness now in my heart. both of them are so grown up now hollie turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and is no longer my toddler and charlotte seems to be getting bigger by the day and no longer my baby :( i yearn to be a mother again and hold a newborn in my arms another precious child to call my own and i don't have that!
i dont know if i can wait another 2-3 months my heart yearns for another baby so much and i get so frustrated that i can't do anything about it. i just wish jason could see the pain in my eyes!
on a positive note though me and jason have set a date to get married on halloween 2010. i wanted it this year but my plans were thwarted when jason pointed out it was too short notice for his family. it broke my heart a little as i thought it would be nice to do it this year again to give me something positive to focus on after whats going to be a hard month in sept.
story of my life i guess nothing ever goes how i want it to. theres always something that comes along to spoil things. so now we are waiting just over a year to get married instead.
oh i dont know i'm close to tears now i just wish things were different. i wish jason was more supportive and loving when i am down but instead he acts like he doesnt notice mainly because hes too busy on his xbox to think about me. though the other day a friend upset me when i was talking about trying again and he saw tears down my face and asked what was wrong but like i said earlier i just cant talk to him no more as he doesnt understand the pain i feel of losing jessica and now i'm having to wait to try again.
i don't want to be sad anymore i just want to be happy again and jason holds the key to my happiness hes just not willing to share that key with me and open up my happiness once again.
to jessica my angel! mummy misses you each and everyday!! every night i look into the sky and find the brightest star and know its you looking down on me. i can't understand why you left us when you were perfect and wish you were here and making mummy happy you belong with mummy not with the other angels. you were meant to be and you are not here. you made mummy feel whole again and now i feel lost! why princess did you have to go when mummy loved you so much. i miss your kicks and miss you giving me horrid morning sickness. i would go through all that again in a heartbeat if it meant having you back. i would do anything to get you back but i never will and it makes mummy sad.
will try and write more in here when i can. x
so a lot has happened since i last wrote a message.
we finally got jessicas results back and my princess was perfect in everyway! i'm not sure if they have got the genetic tests back yet but from the postmortem there was nothing wrong with her so god knows why the scan picked up problems! its confused the hell out of me thats for sure.
we have also started recurrent misscarriage tests and was hoping after these we can ttc again. we go back in 4 weeks and hopefully get those results. though jason was told his might take 2-3 months something which i couldnt bear. i was really hoping to start trying again before jessicas due date as i know getting through my 2 other angels due dates were helped by being pg with jessica and i know its going to be so painful if it comes to the 13th of sept and all i have is emtpy arms and a broken heart.
jason can't seem to see this and as a result i refuse to talk to him anymore. he doesnt understand how much i'm hurting inside i may not show it on the outside all the time but inside i am a broken woman. having my 2 gorgeous girls are the only things keeping me going. but they cant heal the broken heart and the emptiness now in my heart. both of them are so grown up now hollie turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and is no longer my toddler and charlotte seems to be getting bigger by the day and no longer my baby :( i yearn to be a mother again and hold a newborn in my arms another precious child to call my own and i don't have that!
i dont know if i can wait another 2-3 months my heart yearns for another baby so much and i get so frustrated that i can't do anything about it. i just wish jason could see the pain in my eyes!
on a positive note though me and jason have set a date to get married on halloween 2010. i wanted it this year but my plans were thwarted when jason pointed out it was too short notice for his family. it broke my heart a little as i thought it would be nice to do it this year again to give me something positive to focus on after whats going to be a hard month in sept.
story of my life i guess nothing ever goes how i want it to. theres always something that comes along to spoil things. so now we are waiting just over a year to get married instead.
oh i dont know i'm close to tears now i just wish things were different. i wish jason was more supportive and loving when i am down but instead he acts like he doesnt notice mainly because hes too busy on his xbox to think about me. though the other day a friend upset me when i was talking about trying again and he saw tears down my face and asked what was wrong but like i said earlier i just cant talk to him no more as he doesnt understand the pain i feel of losing jessica and now i'm having to wait to try again.
i don't want to be sad anymore i just want to be happy again and jason holds the key to my happiness hes just not willing to share that key with me and open up my happiness once again.
to jessica my angel! mummy misses you each and everyday!! every night i look into the sky and find the brightest star and know its you looking down on me. i can't understand why you left us when you were perfect and wish you were here and making mummy happy you belong with mummy not with the other angels. you were meant to be and you are not here. you made mummy feel whole again and now i feel lost! why princess did you have to go when mummy loved you so much. i miss your kicks and miss you giving me horrid morning sickness. i would go through all that again in a heartbeat if it meant having you back. i would do anything to get you back but i never will and it makes mummy sad.
will try and write more in here when i can. x
Thursday 21 May 2009
more heartbreak!
its been 4 weeks since i lost jessica and i havent been sleeping to well since i lost her and was hoping that once i got her results i could put closure on this and try and pick up the broken pieces of my life.
well i thought i would ring my consultant just to see if they were any closer to getting jessicas results. spoke to her secretary and she said that my consultant has looked at my notes and will be sending an appointment out but they dont see you until 6-8 weeks after the event (how nice to put it jessica was just an "event") so thought fair enough was worth a try.
she then proceeded to tell me that the postmortem results may take up to 4-6 months to come through depending on what they find! i was told in the hospital it would only take 6-8 weeks no one mentioned it might take longer! and as her postmortem was done quite quickly (her body was released just over a week after i had her) i thought they probably would have found something.
so now my heart is breaking all over again just as i was starting to feel a bit better i'm back to square one.i really dont think i can handle waiting that long. im a complete mess already god know how i'm going to be in a few months time if they dont come through.
on top of that i know that jason wont agree to ttc til we get the postmortem results and that too is breaking my heart. i was really hoping we could start ttc this year preferably before jessicas due date so i had something positive to focus on and now all that hope has gone. i really cant bear to wait 4-6 months to start trying again its too long.
i'm worried i'll start resenting df as right now hes the only person who can help ease that pain a bit by agreeing to ttc and i know if i have to wait that long i dont think our relationship will cope as i will push him away and hate him for not letting me have that bit of happiness that can help heal the pain in my heart.
oh its all such a big mess! why did she have to go and leave me so unhappy. i just want that happiness back and i'm not going to get it any time soon.
well i thought i would ring my consultant just to see if they were any closer to getting jessicas results. spoke to her secretary and she said that my consultant has looked at my notes and will be sending an appointment out but they dont see you until 6-8 weeks after the event (how nice to put it jessica was just an "event") so thought fair enough was worth a try.
she then proceeded to tell me that the postmortem results may take up to 4-6 months to come through depending on what they find! i was told in the hospital it would only take 6-8 weeks no one mentioned it might take longer! and as her postmortem was done quite quickly (her body was released just over a week after i had her) i thought they probably would have found something.
so now my heart is breaking all over again just as i was starting to feel a bit better i'm back to square one.i really dont think i can handle waiting that long. im a complete mess already god know how i'm going to be in a few months time if they dont come through.
on top of that i know that jason wont agree to ttc til we get the postmortem results and that too is breaking my heart. i was really hoping we could start ttc this year preferably before jessicas due date so i had something positive to focus on and now all that hope has gone. i really cant bear to wait 4-6 months to start trying again its too long.
i'm worried i'll start resenting df as right now hes the only person who can help ease that pain a bit by agreeing to ttc and i know if i have to wait that long i dont think our relationship will cope as i will push him away and hate him for not letting me have that bit of happiness that can help heal the pain in my heart.
oh its all such a big mess! why did she have to go and leave me so unhappy. i just want that happiness back and i'm not going to get it any time soon.
Tuesday 19 May 2009
can't sleep
i cant sleep yet again i thought i was doing really well but all this waiting is tearing me up inside.
jessica why did you have to leave me mummy really misses you and my heart is broken into pieces mummy cant stop crying. she really wanted a hug off daddy but he was asleep and he didnt even wake hearing me cry so i've come downstairs to write here in the hope i might feel a bit better.
we were so happy when we knew you were in my tummy. the best day of my life was when you was kicking like crazy in my stomach and i was stood watching my belly move with you. it was magical and amazing and i want that back i want you back and i cant and its killing me and i don't know if i ever will get that back either. i know daddy was talking to pops on the phone the other day and i'm sure he asked daddy if we were going to try again and he said maybe in a year or two. i dont think i can wait that long. mummy misses you so much and wants you back to mend the hole in my heart but i know thats never going to happen. wanting another baby isn't to replace you princess but to bring some of that happiness i felt when carrying you in my tummy. another baby wont fill that gap in my heart it wont ever get fixed but it will help heal it over time. i wish your daddy could understand how much i'm hurting and how much i wanted to be a mummy again and now i dont think i will get to hold the much wanted baby in my arms again.
mummy was looking forward to your sisters having a new playmate and imagined how much fun we would all have all us girls playing together and when you all were older doing girly things like shopping and watching girly films and you arent going to be a part of that anymore. those dreams have been shattered.
i cant bear to talk to ashley anymore because each time i do she mentions something about her baby and it brings it back to me that your not here that it should be me saying those things too and i'm not. instead i just get upset and jealous. i dont want to push her away and lose her friendship as she means so much to me shes the bestest friend mummy has ever had but i cant bear to see her happy when i'm so sad and miserable.
i wish i knew why i have had so much heartache over this past year i must of done something really bad in a former life to have this. i feel like its my own fault. ever since me and daddy split up last year its been bad news after bad news more heartache on top of heartache. jessica you were the one to make all that go away and not add to it. i feel like karma is playing a cruel trick on me for hurting your daddy so much. i didnt mean to hurt him back then mummy was so fed up and miserable it was the only way to make him see how much he was hurting me.
now i feel like we will end up splitting again. he wont open up to me about how hes feeling and shuts me out i know thats his way of coping but it just means we grieve separately when we should grieve together and i feel like we are getting further and further apart. i feel i cant say how i'm feeling and when i want to daddy is asleep. i cant help it if the only time i cry and get upset is when i'm laid in bed and my thoughts are the only thing keeping me company. he doesnt understand how i feel about wanting another baby and i'm scared that will bring a wedge between us too. all i want is to be happy! to have the family i always wanted and to be a mummy again to another precious child. i never dreamed that i would have 3 of those babies in heaven.
mummy cant wait til the day she meets you all again and sees your beautiful blue eyes. i fall in love with you the moment i saw you you were beautiful and so perfect and i wish we had more time together.mummy didnt want to let you go.
i love you jessica so so much and i miss you more everyday. i hope your having fun up there with your brother and sister and all the other angels.
play happily my princess. x
jessica why did you have to leave me mummy really misses you and my heart is broken into pieces mummy cant stop crying. she really wanted a hug off daddy but he was asleep and he didnt even wake hearing me cry so i've come downstairs to write here in the hope i might feel a bit better.
we were so happy when we knew you were in my tummy. the best day of my life was when you was kicking like crazy in my stomach and i was stood watching my belly move with you. it was magical and amazing and i want that back i want you back and i cant and its killing me and i don't know if i ever will get that back either. i know daddy was talking to pops on the phone the other day and i'm sure he asked daddy if we were going to try again and he said maybe in a year or two. i dont think i can wait that long. mummy misses you so much and wants you back to mend the hole in my heart but i know thats never going to happen. wanting another baby isn't to replace you princess but to bring some of that happiness i felt when carrying you in my tummy. another baby wont fill that gap in my heart it wont ever get fixed but it will help heal it over time. i wish your daddy could understand how much i'm hurting and how much i wanted to be a mummy again and now i dont think i will get to hold the much wanted baby in my arms again.
mummy was looking forward to your sisters having a new playmate and imagined how much fun we would all have all us girls playing together and when you all were older doing girly things like shopping and watching girly films and you arent going to be a part of that anymore. those dreams have been shattered.
i cant bear to talk to ashley anymore because each time i do she mentions something about her baby and it brings it back to me that your not here that it should be me saying those things too and i'm not. instead i just get upset and jealous. i dont want to push her away and lose her friendship as she means so much to me shes the bestest friend mummy has ever had but i cant bear to see her happy when i'm so sad and miserable.
i wish i knew why i have had so much heartache over this past year i must of done something really bad in a former life to have this. i feel like its my own fault. ever since me and daddy split up last year its been bad news after bad news more heartache on top of heartache. jessica you were the one to make all that go away and not add to it. i feel like karma is playing a cruel trick on me for hurting your daddy so much. i didnt mean to hurt him back then mummy was so fed up and miserable it was the only way to make him see how much he was hurting me.
now i feel like we will end up splitting again. he wont open up to me about how hes feeling and shuts me out i know thats his way of coping but it just means we grieve separately when we should grieve together and i feel like we are getting further and further apart. i feel i cant say how i'm feeling and when i want to daddy is asleep. i cant help it if the only time i cry and get upset is when i'm laid in bed and my thoughts are the only thing keeping me company. he doesnt understand how i feel about wanting another baby and i'm scared that will bring a wedge between us too. all i want is to be happy! to have the family i always wanted and to be a mummy again to another precious child. i never dreamed that i would have 3 of those babies in heaven.
mummy cant wait til the day she meets you all again and sees your beautiful blue eyes. i fall in love with you the moment i saw you you were beautiful and so perfect and i wish we had more time together.mummy didnt want to let you go.
i love you jessica so so much and i miss you more everyday. i hope your having fun up there with your brother and sister and all the other angels.
play happily my princess. x
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